Paying for the sins of Adam and Eve
those two,” the governor continued.
“But today, we can point out folks who transgress by calling them pejorative names.”
He plans to speak before a group of godless heathens next week and explain why they are not responsible for their misguided beliefs.
“If we had been there doing those days, I know we would have told Adam and Eve not to eat that fruit. Our cherry crop suffered this season because of their behavior thousands of years ago,” he told reporters.
As a consequence, the state legislature plans taxpayer-supported reparations for cherry farmers, as a small token of compensation for the first couple’s unconscionable and despicably selfish behavior.
Passenger Mona Nudnik is suing Miles High Airlines for removing a service giraffe from her flight.
Nudnik’s attorney claims the airline’s actions were a clear violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act.
“My client has been irreparably harmed by this dastardly and insensitive action.” he said.
“The little ‘Service Animal’ cover she bought on the Internet should have made it clear that Shorty the Giraffe was legitimate. The airline clearly was at fault for this gross violation of Nudnik’s rights.”
A Miles High spokesperson disagreed.
“This was not just some little rat dog you see every day with a phony blanket on its back. This was a giraffe! We tried to accommodate Ms. Nudnik, but the animal kept chewing up luggage in the overhead bins. Other passengers were becoming very upset.”
Nudnik feels she will never fully recover from the humiliation and hopes a $50 million settlement will somehow cover the damages for her emotional stress. A win in court could also help two other cases already filed involving a service rhinoceros and an exotic spitting cobra.
Students at Revisionist University are protesting a statue of historical figure, General Beauregard B. Breakwinde.
Political science majors are upset over the fact that many generations ago, the general led a rebellion against kale farmers — long before a plant now loved by health enthusiasts became popular.
Students and faculty are both insisting that the stately bronze image of Breakwinde, riding backwards on a Brahma bull, be removed from campus. But supporters from his small Southern hometown have led a counter protest to preserve local heritage.
“What are these crazy professors teaching our kids nowadays? said one of the general’s fans. “At this point, are we going to erase every bit of history someone doesn’t like?”
But an unnamed student protestor disagreed: “People supporting this guy are nothing but a bunch of ignorant, meatsucking morons,” she said while scratching Breakwinde’s name out of an old textbook.
“Everyone knows you can’t understand history until you’ve totally eradicated it.”