Pay­ing for the sins of Adam and Eve

Lodi News-Sentinel - - OPINION - Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

those two,” the gov­er­nor con­tin­ued.

“But to­day, we can point out folks who trans­gress by call­ing them pe­jo­ra­tive names.”

He plans to speak be­fore a group of god­less hea­thens next week and ex­plain why they are not re­spon­si­ble for their misguided be­liefs.

“If we had been there do­ing those days, I know we would have told Adam and Eve not to eat that fruit. Our cherry crop suf­fered this sea­son be­cause of their be­hav­ior thou­sands of years ago,” he told re­porters.

As a con­se­quence, the state leg­is­la­ture plans tax­payer-sup­ported repa­ra­tions for cherry farm­ers, as a small to­ken of com­pen­sa­tion for the first cou­ple’s un­con­scionable and de­spi­ca­bly self­ish be­hav­ior.

Air­line sued

Pas­sen­ger Mona Nud­nik is su­ing Miles High Air­lines for re­mov­ing a ser­vice gi­raffe from her flight.

Nud­nik’s at­tor­ney claims the air­line’s ac­tions were a clear vi­o­la­tion of the Amer­i­cans With Dis­abil­i­ties Act.

“My client has been ir­repara­bly harmed by this das­tardly and in­sen­si­tive ac­tion.” he said.

“The lit­tle ‘Ser­vice An­i­mal’ cover she bought on the In­ter­net should have made it clear that Shorty the Gi­raffe was le­git­i­mate. The air­line clearly was at fault for this gross vi­o­la­tion of Nud­nik’s rights.”

A Miles High spokesper­son dis­agreed.

“This was not just some lit­tle rat dog you see ev­ery day with a phony blan­ket on its back. This was a gi­raffe! We tried to ac­com­mo­date Ms. Nud­nik, but the an­i­mal kept chewing up lug­gage in the over­head bins. Other pas­sen­gers were be­com­ing very up­set.”

Nud­nik feels she will never fully re­cover from the hu­mil­i­a­tion and hopes a $50 mil­lion set­tle­ment will some­how cover the dam­ages for her emo­tional stress. A win in court could also help two other cases al­ready filed in­volv­ing a ser­vice rhi­noc­eros and an ex­otic spit­ting co­bra.

Statue banned

Stu­dents at Re­vi­sion­ist Univer­sity are protest­ing a statue of his­tor­i­cal fig­ure, Gen­eral Beau­re­gard B. Break­winde.

Po­lit­i­cal sci­ence ma­jors are up­set over the fact that many gen­er­a­tions ago, the gen­eral led a re­bel­lion against kale farm­ers — long be­fore a plant now loved by health en­thu­si­asts be­came pop­u­lar.

Stu­dents and fac­ulty are both in­sist­ing that the stately bronze im­age of Break­winde, rid­ing back­wards on a Brahma bull, be re­moved from cam­pus. But sup­port­ers from his small South­ern home­town have led a counter protest to pre­serve lo­cal her­itage.

“What are th­ese crazy pro­fes­sors teach­ing our kids nowa­days? said one of the gen­eral’s fans. “At this point, are we go­ing to erase ev­ery bit of his­tory some­one doesn’t like?”

But an un­named stu­dent pro­tes­tor dis­agreed: “Peo­ple sup­port­ing this guy are noth­ing but a bunch of ig­no­rant, meat­suck­ing mo­rons,” she said while scratch­ing Break­winde’s name out of an old text­book.

“Ev­ery­one knows you can’t un­der­stand his­tory un­til you’ve to­tally erad­i­cated it.”

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