Hus­band tells part of the truth about hav­ing af­fairs with women

Lodi News-Sentinel - - LOCAL/NATION - AN­NIE LANE

Dear

An­nie:

My hus­band con­stantly lies by omis­sion of details of what he has done.

He has had two af­fairs with other women — that I know of. He thinks if he tells part of the truth, it is OK. That is how his mind works, and he doesn’t care what I think.

What is wrong with him? His mother was the same way. — Ques­tion­ing in PA

Dear Ques­tion­ing: No mat­ter what sort of men­tal gym­nas­tics your hus­band en­gages in to con­vince him­self he’s not a bad guy, a half-told truth is a lie.

If he wants to make things right, he’ll agree to go to mar­riage coun­sel­ing with you. A coun­selor might help un­cover what­ever deep-seated is­sues drive him to­ward cheat­ing and ly­ing, and there you two can work to­gether to build a new foun­da­tion, be­cause his past ac­tions have put a rot in the old one. Tak­ing things apart and build­ing your re­la­tion­ship anew is your best hope at hav­ing a healthy mar­ried life.

Dear An­nie: I am “Time Cap­sule in My At­tic,” who wrote to you ear­lier this year about find­ing a 50year-old box of let­ters writ­ten to me by my high school boyfriend dur­ing his first year of col­lege at a pres­ti­gious Ivy League school. I was won­der­ing what I should do with them.

Back then, I con­sid­ered your re­sponse that I should con­tact my for­mer boyfriend and send him th­ese let­ters be­cause he might be in­ter­ested in read­ing about his life back then.

Your col­umn to­day fea­tured a letter from Kathi, the re­tired special manuscript­s li­brar­ian, who sug­gested that his col­lege would likely be in­ter­ested in th­ese let­ters for re­search pur­poses into the day-to-day life of a fresh­man in 1969. I chose to ig­nore your ad­vice — and now Kathi’s — and I dis­posed of the let­ters. I will ex­plain why that was the right de­ci­sion for me.

First of all, I would never send those let­ters to a col­lege li­brary with­out first con­tact­ing my old boyfriend to ask per­mis­sion; to do oth­er­wise would be a huge in­va­sion of his pri­vacy and my own. So why did I not take your ad­vice two months ago and con­tact him to ask if he wanted the let­ters? I was mostly think­ing about him and his fam­ily when I de­cided not to reach out. What if he and his wife are cur­rently go­ing through a rough patch in their re­la­tion­ship and she is a jeal­ous sort who might be threat­ened by old let­ters with at least a bit of ro­mance in them? What if cu­ri­ous grown chil­dren can­not re­sist the urge to read th­ese let­ters and — God for­bid — they chose to con­tact me for “old times’ sake”? In­deed, a box of old let­ters could turn into a can of worms, and I was not will­ing to let that hap­pen.

I remember the day I threw the let­ters into our town’s re­cy­cle bin, al­most 3,000 miles from the fancy col­lege where he penned his thoughts 50 years ago. I was grate­ful to have known him, but even more grate­ful for the full, won­der­ful life I found for my­self with­out him. I did not want to risk any ill feel­ings or awk­ward­ness by sud­denly reach­ing out af­ter all th­ese years with that box of let­ters. — Right De­ci­sion for Me

Dear Right: I’m glad you made the right de­ci­sion for you. And I’m al­ways in­ter­ested to hear from pre­vi­ous letter writ­ers about what so­lu­tions they tried and how they worked out. So, thanks for shar­ing! “Ask Me Any­thing: A Year of Ad­vice From Dear An­nie” is out now! An­nie Lane’s de­but book — fea­tur­ing fa­vorite col­umns on love, friend­ship, fam­ily and eti­quette — is avail­able as a pa­per­back and e-book. Visit http://www.cre­ator­spub­lish­ing.com for more in­for­ma­tion. Send your ques­tions for An­nie Lane to dear­an­[email protected] cre­ators.com.

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