Grand­mother dis­likes how grand­daugh­ter vents hate­ful thoughts

Lodi News-Sentinel - - LOCAL/NATION - AN­NIE LANE “Ask Me Any­thing: A Year of Ad­vice From Dear An­nie” is out now! An­nie Lane’s de­but book — fea­tur­ing fa­vorite columns on love, friend­ship, fam­ily and eti­quette — is avail­able as a pa­per­back and e-book. Visit http://www.cre­ator­spub­lish­ for


An­nie: I am writ­ing be­cause I’m seek­ing your help about my re­la­tion­ship with my 30-year-old grand­daugh­ter, “Na­dia.” Our re­la­tion­ship is more of a mother-daugh­ter type re­la­tion­ship, be­cause my hus­band and I were in­volved in rais­ing her. Our son had cus­tody of his chil­dren be­cause the mother had emo­tional prob­lems and was not sta­ble.

My grand­daugh­ter has had is­sues at dif­fer­ent points in her life be­cause of the prob­lems she faced with her mother. She had is­sues of jeal­ousy when our other grand­chil­dren would visit. She was self­aware enough to re­al­ize that she comes from a dys­func­tional home life and that it would tend to cause her to be jeal­ous. She also knew enough to know this was not a healthy re­ac­tion.

Now that she’s an adult, I thought Na­dia was over these feel­ings, but I was wrong. Re­cently, one of our other grand­daugh­ters had her first baby. Na­dia had some­thing neg­a­tive to say about the birth, but she only said this to me, not her dad or any­one else. For some rea­son, she shares un­kind and hate­ful thoughts with me. I’d much rather she not do it. It up­sets me.

This is not the first time she had treated me this way. It has got­ten to the point where I can ex­pect her to say some­thing. I have tried ig­nor­ing her, but it’s get­ting old. She ex­pects me to turn the other cheek.

How would you sug­gest I han­dle this? I tried talk­ing to her about it but got nowhere. — A Con­fused Grand­mother

Dear Con­fused Grand­mother: She shows her ugly side to you be­cause she knows she can. Of course you’ll al­ways love her deep down, re­gard­less of bad be­hav­ior, but that doesn’t mean you need to sub­ject your­self to it. It’s time to let her know you won’t tol­er­ate be­ing her rage re­cep­ta­cle any­more. Firmly say some­thing to the ef­fect of, “I won’t hear any of this hurt­ful talk from you about our fam­ily.” Any time she starts talk­ing that way, tell her she needs to change the sub­ject or end the con­ver­sa­tion. Si­mul­ta­ne­ously, en­cour­age her to at­tend ther­apy, where she can process events and emo­tions of her child­hood, iden­tify any pat­terns of be­hav­ior she devel­oped from her stress­ful home life and be­gin to dis­pense with be­liefs and be­hav­iors that are no longer serv­ing her.

Dear An­nie: This is in re­sponse to “Credit Con­fused,” the re­cent col­lege grad who was look­ing for tips about es­tab­lish­ing credit. You missed an im­por­tant point: The very best ad­vice I ever got from a fi­nan­cial ad­viser about hav­ing credit cards was to pay them in full ev­ery month. We are now ap­proach­ing re­tire­ment. We charge a lot on our credit cards, but we never have to pay in­ter­est, be­cause we pay them off ev­ery billing pe­riod. The only charges we get are a mem­ber­ship fee from one of them. The other two cards cost us noth­ing, ever. When we are gone, our es­tate will have no bills to be paid. That’s the only way to live. — Ow­ing Noth­ing

Dear Ow­ing: Such a fun­da­men­tally im­por­tant point that I for­got to make. Con­sider my forehead smacked. Thanks for writ­ing — and ku­dos on liv­ing debt-free.

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