California’s gas prices

Despite numerous complaints by residents, Harley Roadrash, director of the California Highways and Byways Commission, believes prices are justified.

“We need to stop climate change. Making everyone in our state pay $1.60 more per gallon than the national average is a good start,” he told a group of reporters. “The extra money is also making a big difference in the quality of our roadways.”

But one troublemaking journalist questioned the director’s statement by pointing out California has some of the worst road conditions in the country.

“The more beat up and congested our roads are, the less people will drive on them. It’s the same kind of logic used when we give people smaller refuse cans in order to create less trash.” Roadrash replied. “Both are important parts of our overall climate change strategy.”

The director continued by asking the same newsman if he would prefer tax revenues spent on highways, or on free health care for illegals, along with super trains that go nowhere?

But before the reporter could respond, Roadrash answered his own question by stating, “Obviously, only a cold-hearted, deplorable, climate denier could choose roads.”

President wins court decision

In an 18-12 Supreme Court decision, the president of a small country called Tohubohu, has won the right to use funds from existing nonrelated programs to build a gigantic stone wall castle.

The transfer of money is expected to hurt important government projects, such as creating a 1,000 smart uses for garden snails, studying the effectiveness of ferret fur in whoopee cushions and restoring “My Mother the Car” reruns.

The vote went along party lines, even though justices are non-partisan.

Not everyone is happy with the decision. Sen. Stroppy Wrath wrote on his social media account that it is a sad day for the country and democracy. He believes taxpayer funds should never be used to protect the country but only for building fortresses in other lands.

“Artificial barriers never work,” he said. “As a good example, there is no reason to lock your car or house. If someone wants to break in, they’ll certainly find a way.”

But despite criticism, the president still celebrated his victory. “I don’t care what naysayers imply about walls not working,” he said. “They certainly come in handy in my house when nosey kids get curious about what was happening in the master bedroom.”

Guilty until proven innocent

A new standard of justice has been approved by the U.S. Congress. Legislation has reversed the concept that the accused is innocent until proven guilty.

“I don’t know how things got so messed up in this country with all that innocent first stuff,” said Congressman Andy Shyster. “It’s sure a lot easier to ‘get’ someone by making them prove they didn’t do something.”

The congressman pointed out that the Internal Revenue Service has used this system for years with unquestioned success. He and many of his colleagues believe the same should apply to the entire judicial system.

But Professor Ace Barrister of the Serpentine School of Law strongly disagrees.

“It is this kind of thinking that totalitarian and evil dictatorial countries are built upon,” he told news anchor, Slick Wig. “For justice and fairness, the burden of proof must lie with the government and not with the accused.”

Yet Shyster argues this is nothing but old school thinking. He and his party members have been trying to indict their political enemies with innuendo and hearsay for years and contend the new standard is really the only way convictions can be accomplished.

“Justice should be based not on what a bunch of silly facts prove or don’t prove, but on what one believes is true.” he said. “This was certainly my old man’s standard of guilt when I was a kid, and it worked just fine for him. So why not put it in play for everyone?”