Water hose: The G.O.A.T. at quenching thirst
Seven-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement a few weeks ago after 22 years in the National Football League.
He was at the top of his game until the end, leading the league in several categories this season at age 44. He has more championship rings than any other NFL player in history and most league personnel, media, and fans consider him to be the G.O.A.T. — Greatest of All Time. I loved Joe Montana but you gotta give it up for Brady — he is pro football’s GOAT.
Brady’s departure led me to ponder other GOATS out there. Some are pretty obscure but they’re GOATs nonetheless.
GOAT actor: Forget Olivier, Pacino, and Denzel. William Shatner is the greatest actor of all time. Not only did he play a guy who went into space, he actually went into space. For real. In a rocket. At age 90.
GOAT dentist: Hermie, the elf in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This little guy extracted all the teeth from a Bumble, a knockoff version of the Abominable Snowman without using anesthesia. Brady later admitted that Hermie’s performance under pressure was one of his inspirations.
Doc Holliday finished a close second in this category. Anyone who could utter lines like, “I’m your huckleberry” and “Why Johnny Ringo, you looked like someone just walked over your grave” as deliciously as Holliday deserves serious consideration for this honor. Yes, the real Holliday was an actual dentist.
GOAT buffet: Smorga Bob’s in Livermore. Our grandfather was adamant we stop there on the way home from Giants games because they served all you could eat steak on Saturdays. Real steak. The sign over the front door set the tone for the mission: “Take
All You Want;
Eat All You
Take!” It was like a pilgrimage to the Holy
Land for him. Be respectful. No talking. Keep your hands to yourself. No eye contact with the other people. Eat until you have to unbutton the top of your pants.
GOAT artist: You can have your van Gogh, your Picasso, and your da Vinci (I love his raviolis). None of them has provided more masterpieces for the public than Bob Ross. Utilizing the same brush you used to stain your fence last Saturday, Bob finished his paintings in less than 25 minutes.
For goodness sake, Michelangelo took four years to complete the Sistine Chapel. In the same amount of time Bob painted thousands of works of art that hang on the walls of Motel 6 rooms from Shreveport to Portland. We’ll leave the light on for you
Bob. GOAT lunchmeat: Turkey, mortadella, and roast beef are for the elites. For generations, real folks subsisted on head cheese. Head cheese rules! It’s a weird gelatinous conglomeration of well, you don’t want to know. I think it has something to do with a pig. Fun fact: Sam the Butcher would often slip a pile of head cheese in the display case between the honey ham and prosciutto in a lame attempt to convince customers it was as edible as those two. No wonder Alice never married you.
GOAT vehicle: Forget Tesla. The VW Bug is the GOAT. Affordable, small, fuel-efficient. Confident enough to put the engine in the back. If you owned a root beer-colored Bug with an electric transmission and a small chrome chain steering wheel, you get my drift. That steering wheel was so face of the sun hot after a summer baseball game in Sacramento I had to wrap my t-shirt around it just so I could drive home.
GOAT water: Perrier? For snobs. Evian? Boo. Aqua de Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani Mineral Water at $99,000 a bottle? Bah. Hose water is the best. As any kid who played lob ball or chicken on bicycles on a blazing Valley summer afternoon will tell you, the cool water coming from their green garden hose during a break in the action was better than anything in a bottle.
GOAT newspaper: The Lodi News-Sentinel, of course. Any publication that can put up with me for over fifteen years is definitely the greatest of all time.