Done living with daughter

Dear

Annie:

Like so many of your readers, I never thought

I’d be writing to you for help. But here I am.

Almost seven years ago, I had to retire at age 61, due to recovering from extensive shoulder surgery and no longer being able to do my very physically demanding job. I was able to retire and draw Social Security early due to the death of my spouse five years earlier.

My eldest child, my only daughter, graciously invited me to come live with her, because she knew that the amount of Social Security I was drawing was just not enough to live on. I let my mobile home go at a loss and moved in with her and her two sweet teenage daughters. The daughters are now both married, so it is just me, my daughter and our poodle.

What is happening now is hard to explain. My daughter has always been kind and loving and very respectful to me. However, in the past two years or so, she has become increasingly impatient and disrespectful. This seems to stem from me; I’ve become very lethargic and even depressed from all the illnesses that have piled up on me in the last couple of years.

In 2020, I was unable to walk for six months because of a severely pinched sciatic nerve. Thank goodness that problem was resolved and I could walk again, but then it was something else, and something else, and it seems like it never ends. All this on top of diabetes and several other medical problems. There are days, a lot of them, where I just want to stay in bed.

I find myself putting off showering because it is such a physical ordeal. My daughter has taken it on herself to tell me I “stink.” Today I was trying to remember why I didn’t shower the day before, and she said, “Because I didn’t tell you to.”

Annie, these are just a few of the things that she has said, but this letter is already way too long. I know that these are probably common problems for elderly people and their children. But I’ve reached the point where I want to live by myself, if at all possible. I’m tired of getting on her nerves, and I’m tired of her insulting me.

I just don’t know how to handle the next step, except to start checking on low-income housing for the elderly.

But how should I handle telling my daughter? I’m afraid she’ll lay the guilt trip on me to stay, and I’ll cave in, and then it will start all over again. Is it so wrong to want to live in peace and quiet, and not be treated like a burden? — Want Peace and Quiet

Dear Peace and Quiet: It sounds like the past two years have taken a toll on your physical and mental health, and I’m sure the global pandemic did nothing to ease those anxieties.

You can certainly check out the low-income housing in your area, but it sounds like things used to be good between you and your daughter; perhaps there’s a way to get back to that place.

First things first, schedule an appointment with your doctor to discuss the depressive episodes you have been experiencing, including your inability to get out of bed and bathe. I would also inquire about counseling. In the age of COVID-19, many health insurance companies are waiving copays for mental health services.

With the help of a good therapist and, perhaps, antidepressant medication, you might feel less lethargic and more proactive about your own well-being.

Next, I would establish some firm boundaries with your daughter. Discuss how you will divide up responsibilities around the home and ground rules for communicating with each other respectfully.

When it comes down to it, whether you are living with your daughter or on your own, you need to take control of your mental health.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” — Annie Lane’s second anthology, featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and ebook at www.creatorspublishing.com. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.