The unexpected visit from the in-laws

You've all heard the story. Maybe you've experienced it yourself. The in-laws are coming for an unexpected visit:

Bill: Hey, Sherri. I Just got a call from Mom. She and Dad are flying in from Florida to pay us a visit for the weekend!

Sherri: Oh, No! Bill, you know how those people drive me nuts! That father of yours: He's never been the same since he left CNN for a reporter's job at The Villages. Our house is going to smell like Cuban cigars for days! Must they stay here?

Bill: Well, I can't tell them to crash at the Wilson Way Motel now — can I?

Sherri: Tell them we have COVID.

Bill: That won't work. They've both had it three times already.

Sherri: So, how are they getting to our house?

Bill: I'm picking them up at the Oakland airport around 4 p.m.

(Bill leaves. Three hours later, Sherri gets a phone call)

Sherri: Well, did you get them?

Bill: No, they missed their flight. They're coming in on a later one.

(12:45 p.m. All show up at the house.)

Mom: Sherri, darling! It's so nice to see you! You haven't changed a bit. Same old-fashion hairstyle, I see.

Dad: Hi, I'll be out in the backyard for a smoke.

Sherri: You both must be tired. I'll show you where your room is.

Mom: Oh, no! I want to catch up on all the news. How's Billy Jr. doing? Did he ever pass the 8th grade? And how's my granddaughter, Karen? I hear she's unhappy with her gender identity. And what about your gout? Are you cutting back on the booze?

Mom (later): Well, I see by your Felix the Cat wall clock that it's 3:30 a.m. You folks must be tired. What time do both of you have to get up for work? Don't worry about us. We'll take care of ourselves. Is there a Burger King nearby? I don't know how we'll manage to get there, but that's not your problem ... is it? Hey, has anyone seen Dad?

Sherri: Bill is taking a couple of days off so he can help with whatever you need. I do have to get up at 6 a.m. to drive the Fogy Farms old folk's bus to Denny's. Soooo, I'll excuse myself.

Bill: Mom, do you have any plans while you're here?

Mom: Well, we would like to visit Uncle Charlie in Fresno. And I haven't seen Sarah Jane in years. I think your dad would like to look up some of his old war buddies at the VA home. You wouldn't mind driving us around, would you?

Bill: Uh...

Mom: I Didn't think so. See you in the morning.

(Noon Saturday. Mom is still asleep)

Bill: Mom? It's noon. Didn't you want to go visiting today?

Mom: Oh, so it is! I guess that will have to wait until tomorrow. Where's Dad?

Sherrie: I think he's in the backyard. I can see smoke. I've made you guys some lunch. I have some nice salami and cheese sandwiches, along with pot.

Mom: Oh, Honey, we can't eat that! Don't you know processed meats cause cancer? And cheese has too much cholesterol. I have to watch my weight at my age. Don't you have wine instead of beer? Isn't that what you're drinking these days?

Dad: (Enters the room smelling like smoke.) Your mother-in-law is always griping about something.

Mom: What do you mean? You're the one who's never satisfied. And another thing, blah, blah, blah... (The argument goes on for a couple of hours. Dad finally retreats to the backyard. Sunday eventually comes and goes.)

Sherri: Don't you guys have a plane to catch tonight?

Mom: No, Dear. Instead, we have some great news! Are you ready for this? Dad and I have decided to stay for the whole month!

(Sherri whispers to Bill): You'd better have your guns locked up and the key crushed or I might do something I'll really regret for the rest of my life!