The scoop without the poop
Our Government has told the Chinese they may not enter this country without taking a COVID test within 48 hours. Chinese officials responded “mei wenti” (no problem) and have instructed its citizens to enter our country by simply landing in Mexico and walking across the border.
Republicans began their control of the House of Representatives by fighting over who would be the next Speaker. Around 20 of its most conservative members held out from voting for the overwhelming choice by claiming he could not be trusted. But some have questioned if this reason is a prime example of congressional hypocrisy? They say trusting the average politician is like having a nobail policy for Charles Manson.
Climate coordinator for California, Garden Green, has stated that despite overwhelming rain and flooding this year, we are still in a drought. When a reporter asked about the foot of water in which everyone was standing, Green assured the group it would all be gone by summer.
The City Council has voted to spend a million dollars to build statues at the two main entrances to the city. The monuments pay homage to the goddess of grapes, Brandymia. Several citizens complained saying the funds should be spent on road improvements and not on goofy statues that radical protestors will tear down anyway.
Councilperson Orator Grandstander assured the concerned audience that if the roads were not up to standards, the city will grind the statues into gravel and make pothole repairs. Oil for the project will be smuggled in from Texas since it is no longer available in California.
Nurses from an East Coast state are striking claiming they don’t get paid enough and should only be responsible for four patients, not eight.
Hospitals have offered a 20% raise, plus free caffeinated coffee lattes at breaktime, but union bargaining officials walked out of negotiations. “How do they expect us to live on a $120,000-$180,000 per year salary? one spokesperson said. “And eight patients? There should be no more than what I can count on one hand, excluding my thumb.”
A reporter asked how many nurses per patient are available while they walk the picket lines? “I’ll admit that’s a problem, but we’ll just have to call it collateral damage,” one said.
A cruel cynic standing nearby was overheard stating that the neglected patients will soon learn how important nurses are when there is no one to stick them for a lab test at 3 a.m., get them a glass of water, or put out their bed fires from dropped doobies.
Teachers’ union president Stickler Details apologized to parents for insisting school be closed for two years. He finally admitted that online learning was a complete failure. “But thank goodness it bombed,” he told reporters. “If it had succeeded, we might have put ourselves out of jobs!”
You may have noticed that one of our local entrepreneurs started a referral service for attorneys. He cleverly created a television ad showing a staged boiler room with a dozen people pretending to answer phone calls from potential clients.
But the results of the commercial turned out to be well under estimates. Analysis by ad executives revealed its fatal flaw. All of the actors in the room were talking on the phones at the same time. Therefore, real customers watching just assumed there was no point in calling since no one would answer anyway.
Department of Homer Land Insecurity Secretary Myorca Whaler has continually stated that our Southern border is closed -- no ands, ifs or buts. Yet when challenged with the facts by pesky reporters, Whaler countered with: “Well, whom are you going to believe?
Are you going to believe the Border Patrol, people running overcrowded shelters, hospitals and schools, the mayors of border cities, citizens who live along the border, the mayor of New York, residents of Martha’s Vineyard, news reporters who have covered the crisis for the last two years OR, are you going to believe me? I rest my case. Duh!”
Our fair city offered cash for street art that emphasized the dangers of man-made climate change. First prize went to Clare Da Lune for her rendition of a theme titled “Whack People, Not fish.” Second honor was a picture of famous climate activists flying around in private jets with surface-to-air missiles heading in their direction. It was submitted by Web Warlock.
Third prize was awarded to someone who goes by the name of “Nostravomus.” He did an abstract piece depicting what will happen to the human race when all of our money is spent on climate change instead heating oil, food and smart phones.
Congratulations to all who entered this important competition. We’d like to say we know how the losers feel, but the fact is, we really don’t.
Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist. Contact him at news@lodinews.com