Lodi News-Sentinel

Go for the cash or stash the trash?


Go for the cash or stash the trash? That is the question. The state legislatur­e has decided to add more costs to residents with an attempt to reduce trash and stop climate change.

By enacting drastic new measures, lawmakers hope to decrease methane gas in our atmosphere. It’s become a serious concern, especially since people are now consuming more beans, broccoli and beer.

The new rules will mandate several new containers for recycling. All state residents will be required to follow these regulation­s. An exception will be made for the homeless, who may still trash at will.

First change will be a special bin for household organic waste. While it is expected that these containers will create putrid smells, rats, flies, maggots and other pests, our leaders believe these health hazards are necessary evils in order to save the planet. The organic bin will have a green color that will turn black, coupled with growing gray fuzzy stuff the longer material remains uncollecte­d.

Another bin will be reserved for organic textiles. These are primarily clothes that have a pure natural material, such as cotton, and contain no artificial fabrics. Since most products have a combinatio­n of organic and non-organic materials, customers will be required to provide lab tests in order to determine which is which.

Still another container will be reserved for old wood. However, treated lumber will not be allowed, and those in possession of it will have to find sneaky ways for disposal, as they now do with florescent light tubes.

Other bins will be available for various throwaway items, such as junk mail, grandpa’s old underwear and just general trash, which is the same type of found along our roadways.

Eyes in the skies will be watching your every move to make sure no one cheats the system.

Fines will be imposed to those who violate the rules. Due process for disputes will not be allowed. First offense will bring a $500 penalty. Second is $1,000. Third means arrest, fines and 30 lashes from recycled rope.

One trash executive was caught off camera chuckling about the whole situation: “Little do they know that all this stuff goes into one big pile at the dump anyway! Ha, ha!”

For exposing state secrets, the greenies have demanded this evil recycling dweeb resign immediatel­y.

Disgraced and broke, FIX, a small cryptocurr­ency exchange located in a dingy San Francisco flat, may be making a comeback.

After taking billions from naïve investors, its new leader, Bucks Moola, is already gearing up for a second phase.

“Why not?” said Moola. “I’m sure you all remember what someone probably once said: ‘There’s an exchange crypto buyer born every minute.’ I say if a person has fallen for the game once, they’ll fall for it again, ha, ha!”

A reporter asked Moola about his questionab­le business ethics. The CEO replied there will always be greedy folks who believe they can get a financial advantage. Moola claims he has a duty to scam these suckers or someone else will.

Another journalist asked Moola if he’s afraid of prosecutio­n by the justice department. The 25-year-old crypto-king just laughed. “Are you kidding me?” he replied. “They’re too busy harassing a former president and focused on garage documents found with the present one.”

Moola said he believes we live in a great county where all can get rich if they simply lack the moral and ethical standards to do so.

Our city is proud to announce the appointmen­t of its first official honkytonk piano player. He’s ragtime musician, Blues “Fingers” Keys, who’s a long-time resident of this town.

“It was quite an honor for me to fill a most needed position,” said Keys. “We live in sort of a honkytonk place, and it’s about time the local Art and Music Society recognized a need that reflects our heritage.”

Keys will be paid $50,000 per year and all the beer he can drink for the task of coming up with tunes that reflect the mood, feeling and diversity of our community. He said it’s a great gig, and loves the fact that he’ll get paid whether he produces anything or not.

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist. Contact him at news@lodinews.com.

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