Sarcasm starting to hurt

Dear

Annie: I have been married for almost 20 years. My husband used to be very jealous and controlling, but we have navigated through that, and he has gotten over these issues. However, his sarcasm is cutting me to the bone. He is very rude to everyone in public — waiters, clerks, cashiers, etc. He embarrasses me so badly. He isn’t rude to his family, but he is with my children and grandchildren.

I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets even more hateful and denies being rude or offensive. Everything I do is picked apart or criticized by him. I am at my wits’ end with it. Help! — Frustrated by Rudeness

Dear Frustrated: The good news is that your husband is capable of improving his behavior — and if he can do it once, then he can do it again.

Next time he does something rude, pull him aside and tell him in private that you found his behavior offensive. Do so gently — as if you are making a polite request rather than accusing him of a crime. Hopefully, he is able to respond in kind — but if he blows up at you, couples therapy may be in order.

Dear Annie: I’ve been with my boyfriend for three months now. In the beginning, it was great. But I’ve noticed as time goes on that I’m feeling miserable. He tells me I can talk to him about anything, but when I do, he turns it into something I never even said. For example, if I tell him how I feel about something, he thinks that’s me wanting to leave him. If I tell him I don’t feel comfortable doing something, like giving him my bank account passwords, it’s automatically “I don’t trust him” and I think he will steal from me even though I’ve never said that. If my depression and anxiety flare up and I tell him, he turns around and tells me that those are just excuses.

Don’t get me wrong, he is super sweet and loving, but I’ve been fighting my thoughts for a while now, debating if this is normal or if I should leave. He always says he’ll never hurt me and he’ll always be here, but the truth is, when he talks to me sometimes, the way he speaks hurts, and when I tell him that, he starts going on about how everything is his fault and I’m never to blame. To be upfront, I always try to own up to any mistakes I make, or if I make him feel bad, I try to fix it so it won’t happen again. Should I give it more of a chance, or should I leave? — Having Second Thoughts

Dear Second Thoughts:

If you have to ask these kinds of questions this early on into your relationship, I think you already have your answer. This man sounds insecure, and to deflect his insecurities and instances of what seem like healthy confrontation, he gaslights you. I’d bet my bottom dollar that his behavior will continue, if not worsen, in the future. I’d say you’ve already given him more than a fair chance to change his tune — now’s your time to find a different melody.