What’s the deal with toothpicks? And what exactly is social justice?

Stringer Wireman decides to try standup comedy in order to supplement his modest news reporter income: Wireman: Hey ladies, gents and all other forms of gender identities. It’s great to be here tonight! Did you ever wonder why they call this thing I’m holding up a “toothpick?” When I was a lad, my folks told me it was rude to pick my teeth with one. But I thought they were nuts. I mean, if it’s not meant to pick teeth, then why would we call it a “toothpick?” And why would you take something designed to clean your teeth, stick in an olive and put it in a martini? I guess that’s so when you’ve finished, you eat the olive and clean your second molars with it. (A few chuckles from the audience.) Then you turn to your friends and say, “Excuse me, while I use this handily supplied implement to maintain my dental hygiene. Saaay, would any of you like to borrow it? It’s been in alcohol so you know it’s sanitized.” (Mild laughs from the audience.) If toothpicks are not meant to clean teeth, then why do cheaper restaurants make them available in little rappers at the register? Sometimes, they even have dispenser machines, which save you the unwrapping hassle. It’s got to be a social graces thing. The lower classes use them as labeled, but the upper classes will never indulge. They would rather let food particles irritate gums and use their tongues to jar stuff loose when no one is looking. Personally, I don’t care who’s watching or give a hoot about social graces. I just whip out my dental floss and grind away. It saves trees and is much easier on landfills. Once I flossed in a job interview and no one said a word, so I guess it’s now acceptable. (The sound of crickets from a dimly lit room.) OK, eh, um, have you noticed how some of these politicians and prosecutors are reducing prison sentences? Where they’ve done this, crime has gone through the roof! But I heard a young lawyer call it “social justice.” He said why should someone have to serve five life sentences for multiple homicides when two will do just fine? (The sound of ice rattling in a glass.) …especially with time off for good behavior. (One “ha, ha.”) And conjugal visits after completion the first life sentence! (A shout from the audience “They should give you five life sentences for this @%$^ set!” Crowd bursts with laughter.) OK, OK, how about this one? Have you ever been called for jury duty? Don’t you hate that? They say it’s our civic duty. But the only civic duty I believe in is not relieving myself on a public street. (Audience: “Oh, boo!” “That’s terrible!” “You’re gross!”) When I was called up to serve, the case concerned a guy who did just what I’m talking about! So, they excused me for having an extreme bias. (Audience moans.) OK, how about this one? (Shouts from the audience: “How about you not giving up your day job, Wireman?” “You suck!” “Get off the stage…” “You’re canceled.” “Yeah, yeah!” Wireman walks off humiliated and defeated.) Well, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. I guess I’d be better off just supplementing my income with robo calls for fake extended car warranties.