Husband and son will never see eye-to-eye

Dear Annie:

My husband of 34 years has become increasingly disappointed in our 30-yearold son. He and my son have had a rocky relationship, as my husband sees the world through opportunity and is always working toward improvement (which makes him a great engineer), but this also means he has expectations that rarely get met by the people in his life, including me. He is like a dog with a bone when he tries to convince people to his way of thinking.

Our son has some character traits and behaviors that he and I both don’t like. Our son has a couple beers a day (husband and I don’t drink). He has — in our opinion — ignorant thoughts on politics, is sometimes unreliable (shows up late) and still plays video games. He has had many relationships with women that all last under a year. Our son, however, maintains a job with increasing responsibilities and is financially secure, as he owns a home and pays his bills. He has many friends, and I hear often from strangers about what a loyal friend he is. I work professionally in similar circles and hear that he goes above and beyond. He has never been fired. In fact, he is sought after. He calls me every couple of days just to see how I am doing.

Bottom line, my husband is very angry with me that I don’t try to enlighten my son to help him be a better person.

While I will always give my son advice when

asked, I feel that my child-rearing days are done. My husband won’t let up on me about this, and it has affected our relationship. Do I do as my husband asked to keep peace between the two of us, even though I don’t agree with him? — Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place:

It sounds like your son is a great guy with a lot of integrity and compassion. You should be proud! Whatever lifestyle choices he is making in his free time don’t seem to be affecting the things that matter most.

I would explain to your husband that, at 30 years old, your son is a full adult. Policing him about things like video games is no longer called for. This should be good news to your husband — it frees up time for him to pursue hobbies, and it allows you two to spend time together without talking about parenting the whole time.

Explain that if you both keep nagging your son about trivial matters, he’s going to want to spend less time with you. It sounds like your son and your husband are very different — in terms of life philosophy, interests and personality — but if they can find just one area of common ground, or one hobby they can share, it might help them make progress in their relationship.

Dear Annie: Do you think my husband loves me? He yells at me, and in his sleep, he yells obscenities, but he says it isn’t about me. He never wants to talk or anything. He just wants me at home. He is upstairs, and I’m downstairs. If I ask a question, I’m stupid. Never a nice compliment or “I love you.” Am I wrong for staying in this relationship? I ask for him to do things together, but he says no because they cost money. He says we don’t have any money.

But when his best friend died, his son asked him to buy a place in the mountains, suddenly, there is money. And the son of his friend didn’t put any money or get a loan; he bought it all. — He Loves Me Not

Dear He Loves Me Not:

I’m not sure if he is even capable of love because he certainly doesn’t love himself. Anyone who would say such emotionally abusive things to his wife is not loving. He is really treating you poorly, and it is time to seek marriage counseling. If he refuses to go with you, then you should seek the help of a professional therapist or a counseling group for women who have suffered from emotional abuse. You might also want to speak with a lawyer and get your finances in order.