President Pauper helps put priorities into perspective

Stringer Wireman interviews President Elder Impecunious Pauper, leader of a little known country called Caboozyland.

I appreciate you doing this interview with me, Mr. President. As a small town reporter, I’m quite honored by your acceptance.

I’m happy to do it, Stringer. We are a small and poor country. We are not pretentious in any way and believe in the sincerity of forgotten hard-working people such as yourself.

Thank you. I’d like to ask what you see as major concerns in your country today?

There are many, my friend. Just daily survival is a primary focus. Our people are hungry and scrouge for their next meal — sometimes it never comes at all.

Our children are malnourished and suffer from many diseases. A large number do not survive.

There is little health care except for the generosity of some Christian people and their hospital ships. We have little heat in the winter, and summers can be quite miserable. Death is as common as life here. Every day is a struggle in hope for a better tomorrow.

But enough about my country.

I’d like to hear more about the land where you come from. What are the major problems your country faces?

We have many, Your Excellency. Our primary focus today is on gender identity. We have a number of people who are males trapped inside female bodies and vice versa. We now have discovered over 58 previously unknown gender categories.

Oh, that’s a horrible problem! I’ve never heard of that one. However, it doesn’t seem to be an issue here. We simply look between our legs to find out what we are. What other conflicts do you have?

We are very concerned about global warming. We are spending

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billions of dollars each year to try and stop the Earth’s temperature from rising one tenth of a degree during the next 100 years.

If we had that kind of money, we would spend it on food for those who live on the streets and have nothing to eat. But yes, we have a global warming problem here as well. It happens every summer. Please continue.

Pauper: Wireman:

Well ah, one of our big concerns is racism. Everything seems to be viewed through this lens. Our transportation secretary says even our roads are racist!

Wow! It’s good we don’t have any real roads to speak of, so not a worry. Any other issues in your country?

Pauper: Wireman:

Well, in order to improve the environment, we want to eliminate all fossil fuels by 2035 and go all electric.

Pauper:

That would be quite a chore for us. Most of our electricity comes from stationary bicycles attached to homemade generators.

We also have a major border problem.

You mean people trying to get out of your country?

No. People trying to get

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in!

Pauper:

Well, I had no idea your nation has such horrific issues! You make our troubles seem superficial in comparison. Is there anything else that concerns your people?

Yes. They wonder whether the best contestant will actually emerge victorious on “The Voice.”

Wireman: Pauper:

Oh, that’s terrible! I wouldn’t trade our problems with your country’s for a trillion dollars! I hope your people will survive these ordeals.

Wireman:

Thanks for your empathy, Mr. President. Your sincere concerns will be shared with my fellow citizens just as soon as I return home.

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist. Contact him at news@lodinews.com.