A hostess gift is met by surprising hostility

Dear Amy: Last year my husband and I received a last-minute Thanksgiving dinner invitation, which we accepted.

When I asked what I could bring, the hostess said everything was taken care of. Not wanting to go emptyhanded, I took her a gift certificate for $25 from a store I know she frequents.

Before dinner was served she approached me and said that if I did something like that again I would never be invited back. I don’t know if any of the other guests overheard, but I was mortified.

Can you please explain what rule of etiquette I breached?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed: When you are invited for dinner and told not to bring food, you should (at the most) bring a bottle of wine, a jar of fancy marmalade, olive oil or a bit of designer chocolate.

You offered a cash equivalent, and this is somewhat clunky, but your heart was in the right place that this gesture should have been received in the spirit with which it was given. Your hostess was very rude to call you out in this way. The etiquette breach was hers.

Dear Amy: Is there a kind way to ask a neighbor to turn loud music down without offending him?

Although I do not want to impair my neighbor’s right to rock, he does it loudly throughout the wee hours, and we need sleep! Stopped Rocking

at 10 p.m.

Dear Stopped: He does not have a “right to rock” at 2 a.m., but I applaud your instinct to be respectful. You should initiate this conversation in the middle of the night, when it is happening.

The tone of your comment should be in the neutral, “Dude — can you turn it down? We have to work in the morning” spectrum.

If he complies, you should follow up the next day to acknowledge it and thank him.

If he doesn’t comply, it may be time to raise the volume on the request.