ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY
AS THE SAYING GOES, ALL HAPPY FAMILIES ARE ALIKE. BUT WHAT DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON? TAKE OUR QUIZ TO FIND OUT—AND DISCOVER HOW YOU CAN HAVE ONE, TOO.
There comes a moment in the life of nearly every parent when you look at the chaos around you and think: There must be a better way! For me, that happened a few years ago. Having survived the slog of sippy cups and diaper caddies with our then 5-year-old twin daughters, my wife and I were ready to develop a family culture. But what are the ingredients that make families effective, resilient, and happy? • It’s actually a great time to ask that question: Recently we’ve seen a stunning breakthrough in knowledge about how to make families run more smoothly. I spent the past few years meeting with scholars, peace negotiators, online-game designers, the Green Berets, even Warren Buffett’s bankers to try to glean the secrets to happy families. The questions here are meant to help you do the same.
1 When a team of psychologists measured children’s resilience, they found that the kids who ________ were best able to handle stress.
(a) Ate the same breakfast every day (b) Knew the most about their family’s history (c) Played team sports (d) Attended regular religious services
Answer: (b). The more children know about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives and the higher their self-esteem. The reason: These children have a strong sense of “intergenerational self”— they understand that they belong to something bigger than themselves, and that families naturally experience both highs and lows.
2 Children are expected to learn how many new words per year during grades 3 through 12?
(a) 500 (b) 1,500 (c ) 3,000
Answer: (c). It may sound daunting, but you can help by teaching kids one new word every day. Three simple games are effective at building vocabulary. First, throw out a word like bird or white and have everyone list as many related words as possible. Second, introduce a prefix or suffix and see how many words can be created from it. Third, open a newspaper or magazine and ask the kids to find a word they don’t know, then look up the definitions and discuss.
3 True or false:
When giving children an allowance, parents should force them to divide their money into equal piles for spending, saving, and giving away.
Answer: False. An allowance gives kids a chance to practice something they
won’t learn in school: money management. Dividing allowance money into different pots is a popular tactic, but you shouldn’t force it on a child. Instead, let him or her decide how to spend the cash. As one of Warren Buffett’s bankers said, it’s better to make a mistake “with a $6 allowance than a $60,000 salary or a $6 million inheritance.”
4 What do surveys show that children want most from their parents?
(a) To spend more time with them (b) For the parents to be less tired and stressed (c) A bigger allowance
Answer: (b). An effective way to cut down on stress is to hold a weekly meeting to review how your family is functioning. Sit together with everyone and pose three questions: “What worked well in our family last week?” “What didn’t work well?” And “What can we work on now?” The following week, adjust and try again.
5 Eating dinner together as a family has been shown to benefit children, but at least a third of Americans rarely do so. Which of these alternatives can offer the same benefits?
(a) Eating breakfast together (b) Having a bedtime snack as a family (c) Scheduling a once-a-week Sunday supper (d) All of the above
Answer: (d). Children who eat dinner with their families do better in school and are less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, or develop eating disorders, yet one study found Americans rank 23rd out of 25 countries when it comes to family meals. Still, research shows that you can reap most of the same benefits by gathering at other times, like at breakfast—even if it’s just once a week.
6 To encourage conversation and draw your family closer, arrange your living room seating in a:
(a) Ushape (b) Circle (c) L shape
Answer: (b). A study of hospital patients in Saskatchewan, Canada, found that subjects were friendlier to one another when they were seated faceto-face. The ideal distance is about five feet away, the same vantage from which Rembrandt and Leonardo da Vinci painted portraits. At that distance, the eye can comfortably take in the torso, hands, and face.
7 The most common time of day for family fights is:
(a) Morning (b) Dinnertime (c) Weekends
Answer: (b). Psychologists in Chicago studied interactions between moms, dads, and kids and found that the most highly charged time was from 6 to 8 p.m., when parents are returning from work and everybody is hungry. To reduce fighting, hold off on difficult topics until everyone’s looked through the mail, eaten, and changed clothes.
8 When it comes to discipline, who should pick the punishments?
(a) Parents (b) Kids
Answer: (b). When kids have a role in picking their own punishments, it can give them a “greater sense of ownership” over their behavior and may increase the likelihood they’ll follow through on changing it, said Carol Dweck, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Stanford University.
9 The worst word you can say in a fight with a spouse is:
(a) Me (b) We (c) You (d) Your mother
Answer: (c). Pronouns are the canaries in the coal mine of conflict. James Pennebaker, Ph.D., chair of the psychology department at the University of Texas at Austin, citing studies of married couples, says that using a lot of first-person pronouns (“I” or “we”) is a sign of a healthy relationship; using “you” (as in “You always say that” or “You never do this”) indicates poor problem solving.
10 If you’re having an argument with your partner or teenager, you can help reduce feelings of resentment if you:
(a) Lie down and stretch out (b) Sit up with good posture (c) Lean forward and nod (d) Any of the above, as long as you’re both doing the same thing
Answer: (d). People who assume power positions (feet up; leaning over a table) tend to have increased feelings of superiority, while those in less powerful poses (sitting lower; arms crossed) tend to feel defensive and resentful. To reduce feelings of power imbalances, says environmental psychologist Sally Augustin, Ph.D., everyone in a conversation should be at the same level, with the same posture.
11 When men and women were asked the top three reasons they argue with their spouse, they agreed on only one. What was it?
(a) Housework (b) Children (c) Money (d) Sex
Answer: (c). The cliché is accurate. Scientists posed this question to about 4,000 men and women, and money was the only answer cited by both sides. Couples can cut down on financial conflicts by dividing money into three accounts —“yours,” “mine,” and “ours” —and holding quarterly meetings to discuss finances.
12 When siblings between the ages of 3 and 7 are together, how many times per hour do they fight?
(a) One to two (b) Two to three (c) Three to four
Answer: (c). Siblings clash an average of 3.5 times per hour, studies show, with those fights lasting a total of 10 minutes. To reduce squabbles, spend a few minutes every day alone with each child (so they’re not jockeying for attention), and give them chores to do jointly to build trust.
13 Difficult conversations among groups of family members will go better if you have two what?
(a) Coffee breaks (b) Moderators (c) Women (d) Bottles of wine
Answer: (c). Researchers from Carnegie Mellon, MIT, and elsewhere analyzed nearly 700 people working in groups and found that those with a higher proportion of females to males were more sensitive to input from everyone, more capable of reaching compromise, and more efficient.
14 At family meetings, you should vote about a matter:
(a) Before you discuss it (b) After you discuss it
Answer: (a). Many organizations are better at making decisions if participants express their views at the outset of a meeting. Otherwise, countless studies have shown that the people who speak first and loudest tend to persuade others to go along with their positions, even when they’re wrong.
15 Research shows that girls delay the onset of sexual activity if they have a close relationship with their:
(a) Mothers (b) Fathers (c) Grandparents
Answer: (b). In a landmark Add Health study of 90,000 adolescents, researchers found that girls who have close relationships with their fathers were more likely to hold off on having sex. Other studies have shown that involved dads also produce greater sociability and confidence in both daughters and sons.
16 Which of these outof-school activities is more popular for American children ages 7 to 10?
(a) Music lessons (b) Religious activities (c) Team sports
Answer: (c). Nearly three-quarters of American children play team sports, but parents often put too much pressure on their kids. To make sports more familyfriendly: Don’t push athletics on your child. Don’t use commands during games (say “good pass,” not “pass the ball”). And don’t engage in postgame analysis (let the coaches coach; parents should be supportive).
17 Which behavior is more vital to a happy relationship?
(a) Supporting your partner during a difficult period (b) Celebrating your partner after an accomplishment
Answer: (b). Researchers at the University of California at Santa Barbara asked men and women to share good news with their partners. Those with the strongest relationships didn’t just toast their partner’s achievement (“Good job, honey”) but attributed it to their unique self (“Only someone with your ingenuity could have won that big account”). The scientists concluded that it’s more important to congratulate your partner when things go right than to console when things go wrong.
18 How many Americans attend a family reunion every year?
(a) 25 million (b) 50 million (c) 100 million
Answer: (c). About 40 percent of Americans attend an annual reunion, with another 25 percent attending one every few years. To increase bonding during reunions, hold a family trivia contest or play intergenerational games like capture the flag. Having fun together is a key part of building a strong family identity.
19 Most people say their family is:
(a) Happy (b) Unhappy
Answer: (a). Threequarters of American adults say their family is the most important element of their lives, and 85 percent say that the family they have today is as close as or closer than the family they grew up with.
So, then, what do happy families do right? Happy families adapt. They talk—a lot. They go out and play. And they make the decision to keep working on their family. In the end, this may be the most enduring lesson of all. What’s the biggest secret to a happy family? Trying.
Adapted from The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More, by Bruce Feiler (Feb. 19, William Morrow)