Her husband, a harasser?

Dear Amy: I have been married for over 20 years to myhusband, whois a professor. Recently he has been accused of sexual harassment by a graduate student, who lives in another city.

He says this is a false accusation brought on by a disgruntled student who has been having trouble completing her dissertation.

I do not know this student well, but she is married with a baby, and I wonder why would she bring on such a charge when she has so much to lose if my husband did nothing wrong?

The charges are for inappropriate touching and attempted forced kissing. My husband says there was a close hug and “peck on the cheek” — but says nothing else happened.

What’s hurtful is that he did not mention meeting her for a late dinner ( when this incident happened) until this accusation was filed. They have been exchanging email for years and meeting once a year at a conference, and my husband is willing to showme his emails.

I’d like to get an outside opinion because I never thought my husband capable of lying, but now I see all his previous actions suspiciously and it is driving me insane. This accusation has broken my heart. How do I get over this?

Broken hearted Wife

Dear Wife: I agree that your suspicions are obvious and most likely true. Youcan move beyond this, but you cannot repair your marriage on your own, or without your husband being completely honest and transparent.

You should find a marriage counselor to help you with this. Read this correspondence but understand that your husband can delete any email ( although it would continue to reside on the university’s server).

If you want to stay with him, you may need to do what countless scandalplagued spouses have done — support him through this mess, and then once it is resolved dig in to the hard work of repair— or retreat.

Dear Amy: We raised a child with Asperger’s syndrome ( undiagnosed until adulthood). We didn’t know whatwas going on with him.

He is now a fine adult with a different way of functioning. Family members find him challenging.

When I wrote a letter to them about what Asperger’s is like and how a parent remains involved and supportive, my relative harshly upbraided me for lecturing her about it, saying that I was basically lucky not to have a truly disabled child with Down syndrome or severe autism.

I feel alienated from my relative now and am sorry I mentioned what it was like to have a child who is so different.

There are few resources I can find for parents of adults with Asperger’s. Should I just accept the criticism and move on, despite my sense of isolation from my relatives?

Loving Mom

Dear Loving: Your relative is bombastic, unsupportive and unsympathetic. The old “You’re lucky things aren’t worse” retort is obnoxious. Understand that something in your appeal triggered an issue with this relative that likely doesn’t have anything to do with you.

Your instinct to learn more about Asperger’s and talk with other parents is a great one. If you do an Internet search with the key words “Asperger’s support group for parents” you will find myriad ways to connect.