The invite excludes wife

Dear Amy: My best friend has a special birthday coming up. He has invited friends to a special dinner. This invitation includes me, other individuals and some couples. Some are people I know, and some are not.

My dilemma is that he did not invite my partner. My partner has known him and his wife as long as I have. Other couples on the guest list include people with whom we have all socialized many times.

Initially I thought her name was left off by mistake, so I called him. He explained that there was no mistake; he was inviting only people with whom he felt especially close. He said he did not include her in that category. He said there were also some other couples among whom he had invited only one of the partners.

My partner was devastated by being left out, and I feel in a terrible quandary about whether to attend.

Can you offer any advice and comment on the propriety, or lack of it, in this situation?

Torn

Dear Torn: To restate: You and your partner have known this friend and his wife for the same amount of time. You have spent time with the two of them as couples. There are no underlying problems or conflicts.

Your friend has cherrypicked among his crowd and invited some couples together, but excluded other spouses and partners.

When queried, your friend declared, “I am only inviting people I like the most. You win!”

I can’t comment on the “propriety” of this exclusion because this is really about a guy celebrating himself by being explicitly mean toward others and placing many of his friends in terrible positions. This is completely outside the guidelines of propriety, which is really all about respect.

If I were your partner, I would respond, “Ewww. Honey, you go if you want; I’m going to the movies.”

If I were you, I would respond, “I don’t feeling like celebrating the life of such a jerk. I’ll join you at the movies.”

Dear Amy: I’m in my mid-60s. I will occasionally “re-share” something with a friend/acquaintance.

Younger people will say, “I know, you told me that already.”

This feels hurtful, though it may not be meant that way. When this happens to other people, I let it slide.

No one is going to cure me with this borderline rude comment. I take meds that contribute to memory loss. That’s not going to change, and neither is the aging process.

I’d like some sort of reply that gently steers people away from this thoughtless expression. It’s different when someone says, “Oh, yes, I remember we talked about that recently.” I’ll say, “Oops, senior moment.” I’m not deliberately trying to be rude.

You are so good at finessing phrases. Can you help? I may be losing some shortterm memories, but I won’t forget the manners.

Slightly, Lightly and Politely Demented

Dear Politely: The two responses you cite in your question illustrate perfectly the difference between a gentle, kind response and an abrupt-sounding rebuke.

The best way to respond to a rebuke is to slow things way down with a gentle retort. Say, “I’m sorry, I’m dealing with some memory loss. I really appreciate you tolerating it.”