He had contact with ex

Dear Amy: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. The only issue that came up between us is when I told him I would rather that he not keep in touch with past girlfriends. I said absolutely no contact.

He can have contact with his ex-wife because they have kids, but not girlfriends. He agreed to this.

Last night I found out that he has been in contact with a past girlfriend. His excuse was that he replied to an email out of respect. Now I’m feeling betrayed and hurt. I do not know if I can forgive him. What should I do?

Feeling Betrayed

Dear Feeling: Responding to an email is not a betrayal. Of course you can forgive him — if you choose to. When someone disappoints you, understanding and forgiveness should be your goal. Your boyfriend defied the rule you dictated to him, but he didn’t rob a man in Reno. Perhaps he has a history of cheating — and your behavior makes it seem as if you have a history of being cheated on; otherwise, you wouldn’t feel the need to control this specific aspect of your boyfriend’s life.

You should not snoop or pry, and if you have concerns or insecurities, you should talk about them and also listen to how he responds.

If he offers to be transparent and asks for forgiveness, then you should make more of an effort to escape from your own vortex of feeling, forgive him and move on.

Dear Amy: I recently ran into an old friend (and former colleague), and we set up a date to have after-work drinks in a few weeks to catch up.

Three years ago I asked her out on a date, but she declined because she was in a relationship.

Last year we were scheduled to do drinks (as friends) and her boyfriend vetoed it at the last minute, saying he felt uncomfortable.

I had forgotten that. How should I ask if he’s now comfortable with it, if he’s even still in the picture?

Ethically Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: Your friend’s relationship should not be your concern at this point. She is in charge of her own choices regarding how she wants to spend her time, including the choice to let her boyfriend’s comfort dictate the terms of her contact with you.

Part of your “catch-up” will be to find out about each other’s personal lives. Wait until you see her to do this in person.

Dear Amy: The letter from “Feeling Kinda Bummed,” whose gay partner’s mother asked him to not attend the father’s funeral, brought back memories of my own relationship in the 1980s.

Although invited, I declined to attend the wedding of my partner’s daughter out of consideration for his exwife. A few years later, at my partner’s funeral, I was invited to sit with his family at the service, but again declined out of consideration for her.

I applaud Bummed for being gracious and not putting his partner in the middle of an awkward situation.

Surviving Spouse

Dear Surviving: You made many sacrifices for the sake of others’ sensitivities. Fortunately, many spouses and partners no longer find it necessary to stay away from family events; I hope “Feeling Kinda Bummed’s” story is an increasingly rare one.