Two kids know; five don’t

Dear Amy: I have six siblings, one older than I am.

When my older sister and I were teens our mother had a long affair with her “business partner.” She had four children from that affair while married to our stepfather. At the time, it wasn’t a secret; our stepfather knew and stayed with her.

After the fourth, she cut ties with her lover and it became a family secret. The five youngest children do not remember the affair. For the four youngest, the man they consider their father is not their biological father.

Recently the oldest child from this affair asked what I remembered about our mother’s business partner, and said he had stumbled upon some weird memories of him and her together. He asked if I knew whether they had an intimate relationship. I am struggling with the “right thing to do” because there is still a 16-yearold sibling at home.

He said he had asked our mother, but she said “no” and glossed over everything.

I never wanted to hold this secret, and now my sister and I are being forced to be complicit in the lie. I’m struggling with whether it is my/our responsibility to tell, since my mother will not; and if so, when is the best time to tell someone something so horrible. Feeling Guilty by Association

Dear Guilty: Your siblings have the right to know the identity of their biological father. It is their birthright.

Secrets can damage individuals, families and relationships in unseen ways. Look at how you and your sister are wrestling with this, even as your brother seems to suffer with his suspicions. Your mother’s choice to hold this close has transformed her into a denier — and a liar.

I don’t know if I would characterize this as something so “horrible,” but more as something that simply is.

You and your sister should meet with your mother and tell her that you will not hold on to this secret for her. If she needs help with how to disclose it, you should be available to meet this challenge with empathy.

A family therapist could help by meeting with you as individuals and as a group. Your family will need help to navigate the fallout and challenges of this reality. The time to face it is now.

Dear Amy: I have been dating an obese woman for two months. We are both 30. We have created incentives for each other (I’m actually a little underweight) and we are living more healthfully.

I introduced her to my family. She loved them, but the next day they voiced their disapproval to me. They said some insulting things about her weight. I didn’t realize how shallow my family was, and I am trying to figure out how to persuade them not to be.

I would be lying if I said I was satisfied with my girlfriend’s weight, but she is doing great and has lost 25 pounds. Should I keep my family’s comments to myself until I can prove them wrong? Is it horrible that I now keep her away from my family?

Wondering

Dear Wondering: I think you and your family are all very focused on your girlfriend’s weight. You should not reward your family for their coarse judgment and rudeness; nor should you share their comments with her. You are 30 years old. You should focus on living well and enjoying your life — not pleasing your family.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@tribune.com.