Friends annoy young son
Dear Amy: I find my 8year-old son’s behavior rather peculiar. When we are in social situations with other children he always seems to find someone to hang out with. Later when I say to him, “Hey, I saw you and so-and-so hanging out, do you want to invite him over sometime?” his answer is usually the same: “No — they’re annoying.”
Apparently children his own age annoy him. He seems to gravitate toward older kids, but a 12-year-old (I’m sure) doesn’t want to hang out with an 8-year-old during the weekend.
When the weekend comes and I ask if he wants to get together with any of his friends from school, he again responds with, “I have no friends — everyone is annoying.”
I can’t figure out what’s going on with him. I feel his classmates are going to be there for the next several years, and not establishing some sort of relationship with ANYONE there isn’t healthy. Am I overreacting? Very Concerned
Mommy
Dear Concerned: You are not overreacting. You are observing a pattern of behavior.
I won’t “diagnose” your son from my amateur seat, but from what you describe, he might be on the autism spectrum. He might also be a quirky 8-year-old who struggles to read the (often confusing) social cues of kids his age. Sit down with his teacher and his school’s resource counselor. Ask them to describe how your son navigates through a typical day at school. Ask for their recommendations.
Look for activities where he can “parallel play” with others. Don’t pressure him socially. Also read this important and insightful book: “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys” by psychologists Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson (2000, Ballantine).
Dear Amy: I’m an uncle. I was baby-sitting my two nephews the other day (who are 9 and 7), and when my sister-in-law came to pick them up she was having trouble getting the 9-yearold to share a toy with his brother.
She took him aside and told the boy, in front of me, that he knows she loves him more than she loves his younger brother and she’d really like him to give his brother the toy and then she’d buy him two toys later.
I was shocked. I’ve always thought telling a child that he was the favorite (let alone declaring to love him more that his brother) should never be done.
I’m considering talking to my brother, but my wife says it’s none of my business and it will create a rift. What do you think?
Disturbed
Dear Disturbed: What you have witnessed is garden-variety poor parenting — not only the favoritism but also rewarding a child’s bad behavior by promising him two of something when he is being uncooperative.
Taking this to your brother is not a great idea — he wasn’t there when this happened, and what would you expect him to say or do?
Ask your sister-in-law, “When you told the one brother that you loved him more than the other — is that a good idea? If my mom had said that to me when I was a kid, it would have been really confusing.” She might tell you this is an inside joke she plays with both boys. But you will have prompted her to think about it.