Nest will soon be empty

I am a single mother of a 17- year- old son in his last year of high school. He is an only child. I gave birth to him in my senior year of high school. I never got married and never brought men into our lives.

I went through a really significant rough patch for about three years during his young teenage life. I have bounced back, and life is pretty great now.

He and I were so close before the tough times started, and now that things are good again, he seems so withdrawn from me. I try so hard, and I love him more than anything in this world.

He will be headed to college soon, and it’s causing me so much anxiety. I don’t know how to get him to connect with me prior to graduating and beginning his young life away from home.

I am so proud of him and want to be close again. Do you have any suggestions?

Mother in Tears

Dear Mother: Here’s my advice: Abide with him. Be patient with him. Love him in the ways you have always loved him and work hard — not to win him over but to let him leave you.

It is a universal fact that even in “intact,” low- drama and highly functional fami- lies, children push their parents away before leaving home. Sons are especially good at this detachment.

Unless you suspect his withdrawing from you is due to some special problem, like depression or drug- taking, do not beg him for connection. This will create pressure for him. Support his efforts to complete his senior year and encourage him regarding his future.

Your feelings have a diagnosis: empty nest syndrome. A professional counselor could help you during this challenging phase of your ( and your son’s) life.

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Dear Amy: I have an issue with my fiancé, who enables his 39- year- old divorced daughter. I watch her manipulate him into buying her things ( a house, trips, etc.), and if she doesn’t get those things, she gets physically ill and then he feels sorry for her and breaks down and buys her anything she wants.

It has interfered with our own goals and plans. If I say anything, he denies he’s in this pattern with her and blows up at me. I go back and forth between thinking it’s none of my business and wanting to speak up when it delays our f inancial and other plans for the future.

After the most recent incident, I wonder if I should move on. I don’t think I want to marry into this family pattern and his denial about the part he plays in it.

Your perspective on this would be helpful.

Married to His Daughter

Dear Married: Stepparents have a very tough burden regarding their partner’s children. Your f iancé has an independent relationship with his daughter. He has done a very poor job of acknowledging the stake you have in this relationship.

For any marriage to work, spouses need to come together as a team, making mutual decisions over expenditures to family members ( even if the money comes from his funds). If he is forced to explain and justify significant expenses to you — before he makes them — he may also start to see things from your perspective.

I agree with you that you should not marry unless or until you arrive at some equilibrium and consensus. Moving on might be best for you.