Playing the apology game

Dear Amy: My sister often shares that she is upset about things I said or did years ago — sometimes decades ago.

Her pain is real, but I honestly don’t remember the events she is referencing.

These are often small interactions — for instance, that I didn’t lend her a sweater 23 years ago.

I’m not comfortable apologizing for something I don’t remember.

If I offer an apology that I’m sorry she’s upset, it’s not good enough because it doesn’t apologize for my actions.

If I say I cannot remember, she says that I don’t need to, that I should trust her memory of the events and apologize profusely.

And, if I don’t, she’ll stop speaking to me, often for many months, with conditions attached for when I may call or contact her. For instance, when I disregarded her instructions and sent her a birthday card, she told me I was “disrespectful.”

It’s a vicious cycle of Apologize for Years Ago/ Prolonged Silence.

Is there a way to break this cycle, or is it out of my control?

Is it reasonable to always listen and only engage in apologies if I remember the infraction?

How much time is reasonable for a person to process how they’re feeling before they share they are upset?

Is it disrespectful of me to make my own decisions about cards/presents? Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Between: Your sister is a difficult and challenging person, and if you want to have a relationship with her (are you sure you do?), you will have to engage in equal measures of patience and persistence.

This interpersonal game she’s playing is one that requires two players.

I suggest that you do whatever you want to do from here on out, as long as it is respectful. Before fulfilling any demand, ask yourself, “Do I want to do this? Is this in my best interests?” You might choose to tell her, “I’m not playing the apology-game anymore.”

Read “Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You,” by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier (1998, William Morrow).

Dear Amy: I have been invited to attend a bridal shower for a family member. Rather than register for gifts, this couple (who have two children together) have asked for money to fund their honeymoon, as their household is already established. I anticipate their wedding invitation will have the same request.

This seems tacky and distasteful to me and my spouse. Is begging for money proper etiquette in the new millennium? Baby Boomer

Dear Baby Boomer: The practice of giving money to newly married people is very old and quite common in some cultures. This couple is not “begging” for money; they are answering the question that many friends and family members ask, which is, “What can we get you?”

This sort of “registry” has become much more common recently, as tastes and lifestyles have changed.

If you don’t want to give money to this family, then don’t. The funding suggestion is just that — a suggestion — and serves merely to help guide guests toward giving a gift the couple would like to receive.