Dealing with questions

Dear Amy: We had a very difficult summer. We had to send our 14-year-old son out of state to a wilderness program because of his substance abuse, defiance and high-risk behavior. We were totally caught off guard by the substance abuse issue. We are first-generation immigrants and were not exposed to drugs growing up in our birth country.

Our child spent 11 weeks at the program, during which we learned more about his behavior (drugs as well as alcohol, stealing to support his habit and so on). It was shocking and unbelievable.

He worked hard to overcome this behavior and picked up a good set of coping skills. He has since transitioned to a small residential therapeutic treatment center where he will get continued help, while completing his schoolwork.

When his friends (the ones we want to keep him away from), as well as other well-meaning friends, ask about him, what do I say?

Right now I simply state that he is at a private school. Some accept the answer, and others continue to probe.

We as a family have gone through too much pain. All this probing only makes it worse. What is your advice? Pained Parents

Dear Pained: This is your family’s business, and it is up to you to choose what you want to disclose (and to whom). You can say, “Steve is in a boarding school that seems to be a very good fit for him, and we’re feeling great about his progress. Thanks for asking.”

If people continue to ask questions, you can say, “You are kind to care, but we’re keeping things private. Why do you ask?” You may find that other parents have had similar experiences to yours; if you find other people you can open up to, they might be compassionate and helpful resources.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend moved in two years ago. He didn’t have a job and didn’t look for one for almost a year. He has NEVER given me money toward rent, utilities, Internet, etc. He rarely helps with groceries.

In his defense, he used to own a mortgage company and is now driving a school bus for $18,000 a year.

He doesn’t seem to be trying to get a better job, though he is more than capable. He also claims to have $50,000 in credit card debt, but in the last year and a half, he has purchased things for himself, and yet he claims he doesn’t even have $20 a month to give me to go toward the quarterly trash bill.

We didn’t discuss finances before he moved in, and I knew that he was coming in without a job, but I’m really starting to resent him.

My family and friends think he’s taking advantage of me.

What do you think? Wondering

Dear Wondering: I’m surprised that you would welcome someone to move in with you without discussing finances beforehand. And now, after two years, your partner’s willingness to contribute to the household is still a mystery to you.

So talk about it. Put your household bills and expenses on the table and figure out how (or if) you will share them.

If he is unable (or refuses) to contribute anything, and if this is a deal breaker for you, then you should be brave enough to say so.

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