In fact, he does know her

I am a mature 25-year-old college-educated man with a great career.

I was on the dating scene for several years when I met “Julie” — the girl of my dreams.

We fell deeply in love, and after four months we began to speak of a long-term future together. We seemed compatible in all the important ways for a good marriage, and I was happier and more secure with her than with any other woman I ever knew.

Julie had just ended a long-term relationship when we met, and one day she told me that this old lover was coming through town and wanted to see her. She asked me whether I cared, and I said that it was her business and to do whatever she thought was appropriate.

I later found out that she spent the weekend with him. When I confronted her, she said that she was “only saying goodbye.” She said the tryst “didn’t mean anything ” and had nothing to do with her love for me.

Apparently she thought it was “appropriate” to sleep with this guy, and that doing so wasn’t really cheating on me.

I was shocked and appalled. My problem isn’t just that she slept with an old lover but that she seems to think that such behavior was perfectly reasonable and that I shouldn’t be upset about it.

Now I wonder whether I really know her at all . Sould I end this relationship? Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: You say that you wonder whether you even know “Julie” at all, and I say that you actually know her much better, now.

She does not acknowledge that she did anything inappropriate, hurtful or wrong. She certainly refuses to validate your (very natural) feelings of betrayal. You two are a mismatch. This might also be her cowardly way of ending the relationship with you. For some people, getting caught is easier than having a hurtful, challenging breakup conversation.

Dear Amy: My wife of three years is interviewing for a new job at her company. This would be a major shift in her career.

I fully support her change and have been there for her during this process.

I have expressed my love and belief in her but also cautioned her to be prepared to not get the job, even though she may be a qualified internal candidate.

How should I handle myself in the event she doesn’t get the job?

I have been patient and a good listener for the last three months when this all started, but my patience in terms of hearing about this has grown very thin.

If she doesn’t get the job, I will be the one picking up the pieces. Arizona Husband

Dear Husband: It sounds as if your real gripe is with your wife’s preoccupation with this job change. I assume that she is distracted at home and talking about it often.

Your job is not to remind of her of the downside at every turn.

You need to listen, ask relevant questions and also let your wife know that her preoccupation with this is affecting you. (“Honey, this issue is taking over. Can we change the subject for a while?”)

You should be supportive and in her corner. Nothing else is required.

If your wife does not get the job, you should not be picking up the pieces — she should.

Send questions to askamy @amydickinson.com.