His jealousy unnerves her

Dear Amy: I am a 26-yearold woman who bartends and is starting a career in real estate.

I have been dating my boyfriend for more than three years now and lived with him for most of that time.

He is 13 years older than me. He is smart, financially successful, funny and sweet, generous, and charming. However, we have a huge problem in our relationship: his jealousy issues. At times it seems to consume him and always causes a fight.

I love this man very much, but I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. I would NEVER cheat on him and feel his suspicions are unwarranted. He is jealous of customers I talk to while bartending.

He hates when I hang out with guy friends or text guy friends. I have stopped doing this for the most part because I don’t want it to cause a fight. He knows it’s a problem and claims he’s working on it, but it seems to be the same, if not worse.

Tonight I went to the gym while he was taking a nap. Half an hour later, he calls me asking where I was and why I left after getting a phone call. The phone call was from the veterinarian!

He was clearly suspicious and implied I was out with someone else. Amy, I really cannot live this way. Torn in Portland

Dear Torn: You cannot live this way, and you should not live this way, so please do not live this way.

Jealousy is insidious; it is fueled by a person’s insecurity, and jealousy has a way of transmitting this insecurity from the host to the partner.

Currently, you report that you have already changed your (trustworthy) behavior to avoid a fight. The slippery slope here is that you will start to limit yourself further and further until your guy’s jealousy and anger controls your every move.

I hope you choose to exit from this relationship.

Dear Amy: I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half.

I recently discovered that he lied about his age by almost 12 years! At first I thought I could accept it, but I also recently learned that he was previously married.

I haven’t confronted him about either of these facts yet because I am afraid. I cannot afford our place on my own and do not have enough money saved right now to start over.

I believe he loves me, but I can’t understand why he lied. I also don’t know how to confront him. Confused, Afraid and Betrayed

Dear Confused: I can understand why you might feel afraid. If this person has deceived you about these basic facts, you can only imagine what else he might be hiding.

I suggest you find someplace else to stay, in anticipation of a conversation that might turn into a confrontation, and/or a breakup. See if you can bunk in with a friend or family member for a short time.

I assume you intend to end the relationship. Put your plan in place, and then ask him to meet you in a public, neutral location, and present him with what you’ve learned and listen to his response.

If you hold the lease on your apartment, he should move out, and you will have to find a roommate to help share expenses. You need only be brave enough to take this one step at a time.