Her affair guy comes back
Dear Amy: Two years ago, I was casually seeing a man, “Brian,” for about a month. He was married but intending to leave his wife. Things progressed quickly, and we both acknowledged at the time that we were falling in love with each other. He ended up breaking things off with me to work things out with his wife (they have children together). I was crushed, but I understood.
It took me a long time to get over him and the guilt I held for interfering in his marriage. I heard he moved more than 1,000 miles away.
Two years later, I am in a much better place. I have a boyfriend (he’s a great guy). I earned my master’s degree, I have a job, and will be moving into my own place soon.
Last week, out of nowhere, I received a LinkedIn message from this man that he needed to talk to me. He wrote: “I miss you. I’m ready to talk. I hope I’m not too late.”
I ignored the message, then later that day he appeared at my workplace wanting to talk.
Embarrassed, I told him to leave and not come back.
I left work that day to find a two-page letter from him on my car, stating that walking away was the hardest thing he has ever done.
Apparently, he took a plane that morning just to speak to me. He flew home that same night. We never spoke.
Now I don’t know what to do. Should I contact him? Do I owe him anything? Caught
Dear Caught: You saw this man for only about a month. Despite your intimacy, you don’t know him well. His choice to show up at your workplace is one of those gestures that seem heroic only in the movies; in real life, it is intrusive, embarrassing and even menacing.
He claims that flying to see you was the only way to contact you. But he reached you through LinkedIn, and he also obviously knew where you worked, so he could have easily contacted you without showing up. He appeared because he did not want to be ignored.
The relationship has ended. You owe him nothing. Responding to his contact will only open the door to more contact. You seem to know intuitively what this would mean, so you should continue to follow your instincts regarding him. Your instincts are good.
Dear Amy: I offered to host a baby shower for a friend. She said one of her relatives had also mentioned giving a shower, so could we work together?
I agreed but have had tremendous difficulty reaching the relative.
We were only able to make a few quick decisions with a promise of later calls or emails. Weeks have passed, and aside from one email, I haven’t heard from her and haven’t gotten responses to texts, emails, phone calls, and voicemails, and finally a letter I sent by U.S. mail.
I don’t know how to continue plans for this shower except to do it all on my own and hang the consequences when the mom’s relative complains. Ideas? On Hold
Dear On Hold: Carry on with your plans. You and the relative had a successful connection via email one time, so send her an email, telling her that you went ahead with the planning. Tell her the time, date and some details, and ask if she would be willing to supply one aspect of the shower. If you don’t hear back, do all the work.