Not close to the family

Dear Amy: I am the youngest of a pretty big family. My siblings and I are all in our 50s and 60s now.

We have never been close. Once I moved 1,000 miles away, I was no longer invited back home,.

When my father died more than a decade ago, we all got together at our old vacation spot and held a memorial. When my mother died, most of us went back to the same place for another memorial.

This year the oldest of my siblings died. I drove out to his house to take care of things, even though we were the least close of the siblings.

His kids want the family to get together for another memorial gathering. Frankly, I don’t want to go. I didn’t know him well. He was extremely rude to me the last three times I saw him. He was rude to my son.

I don’t want to spend time with any of these people. Three of my nieces are also getting married. I don’t want to set the precedent that my children and I will travel for even one event.

Our kids are adults. It is far too late to pretend we ever were or ever will be a tight-knit clan. I’d prefer that my kids not have to endure this weirdness.

Should I respond, “Sorry, we are unable to make it,” or should I add details? Youngest of Nothing

Dear Youngest: You state that you don’t want to get together with family because you don’t know them. But you don’t know them (partly) because you don’t get together with them. This now extends to the next generation.

There is no reason to pretend you are a happy family, but seeing people every few years might answer questions, resolve issues, and basically create connection.

Do not speak for your children. They might be interested in meeting their cousins and might benefit from doing so.

Thank the person for inviting you, adding, “I’m sorry I won’t be able to come. I hope you have a wonderful time.”

Dear Amy: I just got engaged. When it comes to choosing groomsmen, I have six spots to fill with seven people to fill them with.

I’m torn between including a buddy I’m currently closer with versus a loyal friend whom I’ve known for a while but who lives on the West Coast. The wedding will be in the Midwest.

I’ve made the choice to go with the buddy I’m currently closer to, but how do I handle my other friend? Do I just invite him to the wedding as a guest, or do I address the issue with him? Almost Groom

Dear Almost: There is one category of wedding guest never highlighted in the etiquette books: “Almost-attendants.” You can spot these passed-over bridesmaids and groomsmen by their taffeta-free outfits, carefree attitudes, and overall look of sheer relief.

These almost-attendants have not spent hundreds of dollars on outfits, showers and parties.

Send your far-flung friend an invitation. If he asks, you can say, “You’re living so far away, I’m going to give you a break and not ask you to be a groomsman. We would be honored if you could make it to the wedding. I can’t imagine getting married without you there.”

Include him as an honored guest, inviting him (and his date) to the rehearsal dinner and any friends-and-family brunches the day after.