Setting in-law boundaries

Dear Amy: I have wonderful in-laws. They take care of my daughter and are very generous. However, they can be extremely overbearing and tend to meddle into our lives.

They also push their traditions and opinions on us.

For our daughter’s birth, they got her a pillow that you decorate at every birthday until they are 21.

My husband despised the pillow growing up and does not want it to be a tradition for our family. On her first birthday, we “forgot” to bring the pillow. They were very upset and would not let it go.

We are in the process of buying a home, and every home we like or see they go to the open houses, drive around the neighborhood, and speak to all the neighbors.

We feel our privacy is being intruded upon, and we want to make our own family traditions.

How do we tell them to back off without hurting anyone’s feelings? Invaded

Dear Invaded: You and your husband must build a virtual picket fence around your family. The fence will have a gate on it. Every time his parents try to climb over a picket, they will get a little bit hurt. But if they learn how to use the gate, they will always be welcomed, warmly and without reservation.

You need to train them to always use the gate.

Don’t share any real estate transactions with anyone. If they ask why you’re being so circumspect, you should frankly say, “When there is anything to report, we’ll let you know.” If they actually follow you around when you’re looking at houses, you will have to come down harder: “Folks, honestly, your involvement in this makes us uncomfortable, and we’d like you to stop.”

In terms of the pillow tradition, your in-laws were confronted by the fact that a family tradition they had maintained for years was not enjoyed or appreciated. I can understand why they were upset. Acknowledging this with respect and kindness (“I know you’re upset, but ...”) will help them to move on. Perhaps they could move this pillow tradition to their house (your husband didn’t enjoy it, but your daughter might).

Dear Amy: I am hosting an afternoon birthday party for my husband in a restaurant, which includes a buffet and DJ (we love to dance).

I am being charged per person.

Regarding whom to invite, am I obligated to invite a niece’s live-in boyfriend’s 9year-old daughter (who also lives with them)?

The only children who will be present are my husband’s three grandchildren.

Also, am I obligated to invite each nephew’s longterm girlfriend whom we have seen at family functions for at least three years? Trying to Stay Within Budget

Dear Trying: If this were an “adults only” party, then of course you wouldn’t include a 9-year-old. But it is held during the daytime, there will be other children there, and so it would be kindest to also include this other child.

If your nephews have long-term girlfriends who have been in their lives to the extent that they are included/invited to other extended family functions, then yes, they should also be included.