Alcoholic creates distance

Dear Amy:

We have a very large and extraordinarily close family.

We are pretty sure that one of the brothers is an alcoholic. When he’s had too much to drink, he writes long nasty emails to various people that he feels have wronged him.

This summer he wrote one of the nastiest emails that we’ve ever seen. We assume he was drunk when he wrote it. He singled out each family member, and outlined why he thinks each one of us is a worthless human being. He used the worst language you can imagine. He said, “I am going to make your lives miserable, and I will enjoy doing it.”

We have tended to look the other way about his drinking. This time, we told him flat-out that his language was unacceptable and that he might need help with his anger and alcohol issues.

He has not spoken to any of us since that day. His family has “made other plans” for all family events.

We would like to return to a harmonious family, but most of us want nothing to do with him unless he apologizes.

We miss his wife and children, who are being walled off from us. We have invited him to all the family gatherings — no reply, no communication.

How should we approach this?

Dear Broken:

As a family, you should offer support to your brother concerning recovery, while not letting him manipulate you.

He has stomped away. He promised to punish you; now he is. All you need to do is to say, “We miss you and your family. We hope you are well and will choose to return to the family fold. The door is open.”

You will likely never receive an apology until and unless he has embraced sobriety and acknowledges his own toxic behavior as part of a recovery process. Pushing for an apology will not hasten it.

You should also reach out to his wife separately to let her know that you would all like to see her and the children. You have no way of knowing what she might be going through.

Dear Amy:

My husband runs a small business in which some of the work is done by subcontractors. He recently hired someone who is also a close friend of ours to do a job for him.

Our friend presented my husband with substandard work. My husband was greatly disappointed.

He let our friend know of his displeasure, but is now worried about how we’ll all get along with this friend and his family in social situations. How can he and the rest of our family best deal with the potential awkwardness of this unfortunate situation?

Dear Friend:

This dynamic is the main hazard in hiring friends or family members to work in a family business. Yet, it is your husband’s duty to his other workers and clients to hold his work to a high standard.

It is laudable that you and your husband want to maintain the friendship. Your husband should chalk this up to being a “bad fit,” and consider the matter closed. Your husband can’t control the other man’s embarrassment or behavior, but he should express his desire to move forward with the friendship. You should be able to recover from this.