You can go, but say why
For about six years, I have been the phone support for someone in remission from stage four cancer. She was a friend who included me in this tough and sad news from the first.
Her personal situation includes not only her illness, but an autistic child at home, as well as a husband who is bipolar. All of this is further complicated by ostracism from her remaining family. She is isolated.
I have been patient and loyal, often listening to erratic rants and her problems at odd hours when I was worn out. In the last year, her changing plans have wreaked havoc with my schedule, culminating in a series of bad communications during the holiday season, when I struggle not to be depressed.
When I explained how this upset me, I was blasted and insulted. Despite some guilt, I want to distance myself. Don’t those who support deserve some modicum of respect? What is your take on this sad situation? Carolina Cares
Dear Carolina: My take is that your friend is stressed to the limits of her endurance.
“Ring Theory” suggests that the person under the most emergency duress (your friend) is at the center of a set of concentric circles. You (and any other intimates) would be on the next circle and more distant relationships along outer rings. You comfort her, she vents to you and you vent to someone in an outer ring (me, for instance).
This explains the dynamic. However, six years of playing by the ring theory rules is a very long time.
Even people in extremis deserve to know that their behavior affects others. You are justified in distancing yourself now, but if you back away, you should also tell her why. This would give your friend a chance to behave differently toward you.
Dear Amy: I have neighbors in my direct backyard who will not leave me, or my family, alone. We have a large, fenced-in backyard and like to spend time outside. Any time we go out with the dog, to do yard work, play with the kids, have friends over, etc., they immediately open up their back door, walk through the gate and come over uninvited.
We used to be nice about it. Now, we’re cold, and go back inside quickly until they leave.
They clearly ignore our signals, and keep coming over.
My wife has stopped going into our yard because she is so annoyed.
We cannot go outside in peace without being bothered by them.
They are nice people. I do not want to hurt their feelings, but I would like them to leave us alone so we can enjoy our backyard without being interrupted every time we spend more than five minutes out there. Any suggestions? Missing my Backyard
Dear Missing: You will have to be brave enough to express yourself.
Say, “We enjoy being neighbors with you, but we need you to respect the boundary between our yards. We consider our yard an extension of our house. When we’re in our yard, I’d rather you not come through the gate unless we invite you.” You could also install some plantings along the fence and put an interior latch on your gate to increase your privacy.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson to askamy@ amydickinson.com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.