The debt was their choice

Dear Amy: I have a close friend who went through years of fertility treatments to have her kids.

She and her partner are now drowning under a mountain of debt. She complains about money all the time, especially because raising kids is expensive.

She recently told me that they are looking into filing for bankruptcy because of all the fertility-related debt.

She and her partner took on this debt willingly, and it seems wrong to me that they should be able to not pay it off. They spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on treatments.

I feel terrible for the way that I am judging her and her choices. I know that fertility treatments are expensive. On the other hand, other people in the same boat choose not to go into so much debt that they can’t recover from.

What are your thoughts? Trying to Be a Friend

Dear Trying: This couple’s financial situation is likely complicated, and so is bankruptcy. It is less a moral decision than a legal one, for people who have no hope of paying off their creditors.

Bankruptcy does not completely absolve people of paying toward their debts. It is not a cure-all and doesn’t offer a completely blank slate. The couple may lose their home, or other assets, and they will likely have to offer payments toward creditors through a trustee. Their credit will be affected for several years.

If you are really trying to be a good friend, you should urge your friend to do all of her research and to — quite simply — make the best choice for her family. Relieving themselves of the constant drumbeat of dodging their creditors, simplifying their financial life and basically trying to take charge of their situation might be best for them.

Now that these two are parents, all of their decisions should be pointed toward their family’s well-being, and you should be as supportive and as nonjudgmental as possible.

Dear Amy: My 95-year-old father is in an adult-care facility. I try to visit Dad every day, but I find that these visits are difficult for me.

My father isn’t lucid or communicative. The “conversation,” if it can be called that, is basically one-sided.

I find that I run out of things to say and feel awkward.

Can you suggest any strategies and topics that I can use? I really want to engage him because I think it helps him mentally and physically. L in Washington

Dear L: Rather than conducting what feels like a monologue, reading to your father might make it easier for you to engage with him.

Many people report that reading my column (or other advice columns) aloud can help them to connect, because they can read the question and then ask, “How would you answer this question?” The questions tend to be short and the issues are engaging and humanscaled.

You could also read a chapter book from your father’s youth — or your own — that you suspect he might remember and/or enjoy. Reading a chapter each day might help both of you to stay more engaged, and will also give you something to look forward to — aside from seeing each other.

Also during visits, play music from the old days, and bring photos or picture books to look at together.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@amydickinson.com.