Mom feels hurt on her day
Dear Amy: My husband’s family never honored any holiday or milestones such as Mother’s Day or birthdays or anything like that. My family celebrated all of that. I thought I had raised my four children to honor those traditions.
This past Mother’s Day broke my heart. My four kids, though well-meaning, put forth the absolute least amount of effort. And my husband, whom I dearly love, defended them.
When Mother’s Day arrived, nothing happened. Late in the day, one of my kids said, “Hey, Mom, how about I take you to dinner?” At 4 o’clock in the afternoon, I’m really not in the mood.
One of my other kids called me; hey, she was so tired, but — oh, my goodness — she wished me a happy Mother’s Day! And my son who is living out of state called to wish me happy Mother’s Day. Big deal.
Am I wrong to be hurt? My husband is defending the kids: “Oh, they care, they did this, they did that” But I have made 100,000 dinners for all of them in celebration. And none of them could take the time to do that for me?
A perfect Mother’s Day to me would require very little planning. If one of my children had said to the others, “Let’s do a potluck barbecue at Mom’s for Mother’s Day,” it would have been great.
I don’t know what to do. Sad Mom/Grandma
Dear Sad Mom: Let me start not by defending but perhaps explaining your husband’s reaction to your upset. He was not necessarily defending the kids’ feeble efforts but trying to deflect you from focusing on their efforts by reminding you that they care about you and love you very much.
He did the wrong thing for you in this moment, however. In this context, “having your back” would mean that he would have been as furious and upset as you are. He went another way.
I hope you will reach out to your adult children, as a group, and be completely transparent with them (copy your husband on this email): “Guys, I’ve made 100,000 special dinners for you over the years. I don’t have high expectations for gifts, etc., but I do want to see you (if possible) on Mother’s Day. It’s the one day when I am highly conscious of my role in your lives, and making a modest plan to get together would make me very happy and appreciated. I feel like a baby reaching out to you in this way, but, well, I’m being honest with you, and I hope you’ll take this in the spirit it is intended.”
Dear Amy: I was married for 30 years. We divorced 15 years ago. My ex-husband’s parents are in their 90s and frail. I have not seen his siblings or parents for all these years, but my two children have kept in close contact with them.
I have no desire to attend the funerals of the elders when they pass away. Am I correct to stay away? Ex In-Law
Dear In-Law: Yes, you are right to stay away from these funerals. First of all, you don’t want to go. Second, there is a high likelihood that no one really wants to see you there.
You should encourage your children to step up in every way for their grandparents — now and later.
It would be kind of you to send a note of sympathy to other family members, recalling a fond memory or two, and expressing your gratitude for the role these grandparents have played in the lives of your children.