Decades later, a divorce
Dear Amy: I’m a 30-something whose parents (both in their 60s) are on the edge of divorce. Their marital discord has affected me my whole life.
As children, my siblings and I listened to their frequent fights and bickering. Unfortunately, their dissatisfaction with their lives translated into my father making us feel like he didn’t like us very much, and my mother leaning too heavily on us for emotional support. This dynamic has continued into adulthood.
Over the past two years, my father has spent much of his time living in another state, coming home only in the summertime and during holidays. He recently visited and my mother intimated to us kids that she wants a divorce.
I am a mess of emotions — anger and sadness. I wish they would have divorced long ago. I wish they were better communicators and kinder to one another. I wish they never let their problems become our problems.
What can I do? How do I face what happens next? Adult Child of Divorce
Dear Adult: Facing your parents’ divorce will naturally make you revisit your childhood feelings and emotions, including sadness that it is happening, as well as anger that it didn’t happen sooner. These two emotions seem to be in conflict, which makes things more confusing for you.
Your continuing path through adulthood will involve you learning to accept both of your parents, without always liking them or respecting their choices.
Unfortunately, witnessing your parents’ discord all during your childhood may have more or less trained you to become something of a “keeper” of their relationship. They exposed you to anger and fighting, and then your father emotionally rejected you and your mother leaned too heavily on you. What a burden.
But you are no more responsible for their relationship than they are for any of your relationships. You should seek insight into how to create and maintain healthy boundaries with them.
You cannot do their emotional work for them. You cannot undo their regrettable actions. But you CAN do you. Therapy could help you navigate through this passage.
I highly recommend you read the book, “The Way They Were: Dealing With Your Parents’ Divorce After a Lifetime of Marriage,” by Brooke Lea Foster (2006, Three Rivers Press).
Dear Amy: I have been invited to a baby shower for an acquaintance’s daughter.
I have met the daughter once, and it was at a group dinner, so we spoke about three sentences to each other. I know the mother from a social circle, but we are not close.
The baby shower invitation is from the mother, and the RSVP is to the mother and daughter. Amy, this is not proper!
I do not want to attend, nor send a gift, as I do not know the daughter or her tastes.
What do you think of this situation? How should I handle it? Upset
Dear Upset: I think you should RSVP very politely and respectfully, keep your judgment to yourself, not gossip with others about the propriety of this and move on with your life.