Battered and despairing

I am so shattered. I remarried my husband twice, and now he is asking for me to marry him for the third time.

I know he’s having an affair with one of his high school flings. The second time we got married, the minister, who didn’t know we had been married before, mentioned the “holy sacrament” and proclaimed the “mystery of marriage.”

What’s the stupid mystery?

I suppose what I really don’t understand is why I have married him twice. He has beaten me in both marriages. He always apologized and promised he would never do it again, but it happened again. Now, he is asking me to marry him again, and he’s gone to anger management and vowed he would never hit me again and that he would terminate his affair with his fling if I agreed to marry him.

After his continual affairs, I had an affair of my own, which I thought was a way of equalizing my pain, and then he beat me repeatedly, and then went back to his high school fling.

I just want to be loved by a man who will not cheat on me. Should I remarry him for the third time if he promises to quit beating me and stops his promiscuous behavior? So Distressed

Dear Distressed: Instead of wasting time talking about your abusive ex, let’s talk about you.

All of your choices are predicated on his promises to change. But he’s promised to change before, and he has never changed. You can change. You must change. For your own mental and physical health and safety, and for the peace of mind of the people who (actually really and truly) love you, you must change.

Repeat this smart phrase to yourself: “If I always do what I’ve always done, I’ll always get what I’ve always got.”

If you don’t go back to your ex, you have a real chance at transformation, and that includes the possibility of someday meeting someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233, or use their online chat function at thehotline .org to be connected with a counselor who can listen and help you.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. He is 47 and I am 42. We’re both divorced. At times he can be kind of crass or macho.

For instance, we were with his friend, and the friend said he hasn’t done laundry since the day he got married. My boyfriend then announced that he never did laundry until he got divorced. I said, “Well, aren’t you doing your own laundry now?” His reply was, “I’ve got my daughter doing it.”

I said, “What about when you were in college?” He said, “My girlfriends did it.” Am I dating a chauvinistic pig? Can I let this slide? Don’t Like Dirty Laundry

Dear Don’t Like: Yes, I guess you are dating a chauvinist, but you don’t say if you’ve shared your point of view with him. You could ask him why he doesn’t do this task himself. The answer could be something as simple as “I don’t know how to do it well, and I’m embarrassed to ask.”

But if your guy answers, “Women are supposed to do laundry,” then, added to other macho statements he has made, this might be a deal breaker.

Send questions to askamy@ amydickinson.com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.