Abuse survivor struggles

Dear Amy: I was a victim of sexual abuse, starting when I was 4 years old. I was first raped when I was 7. As a result, I (to my frustration and shame) became very promiscuous as a young teen and into adulthood. I have allowed myself to be abused physically, emotionally and sexually my entire life.

I have battled drug addiction and shame for, first, what was done to me, and then because of my shame at my own behaviors afterward. I am following a much better path now. I’m 36 and have lost so much of my life. At one point, I tried to kill myself.

If I were to listen to my story from anyone else, my heart would break for them. But for myself, I am impatient and frustrated with how I have wasted my life. How do I forgive myself? Trying to Mend

Dear Trying: For survivors of abuse, shame, guilt and anger are the primary emotions you would access. This is because your childhood was stolen from you, and your emotional development was arrested before it was even formed.

You are experiencing many of the signs and symptoms of childhood sexual trauma.

The abuse was not your fault. Repeat this until you believe it, and for the rest of your life. You were exploited and then not protected by the adults who were supposed to protect you.

You should receive professional help from a counselor with an expertise in dealing with adult survivors. As an adult, you need to learn to reclaim your life — and learn, step by step, how to lead a healthy life of integrity and purpose.

The Wings Foundation connects adult survivors of childhood abuse with therapists and support groups. Visit wingsfound.org.

Dear Amy: I am 22 years old. My fiancé is 51. We are very happy together and have a nice life. Years ago, I moved out of my parents’ house. For the first few months after I moved out, my mother was vile. She commented about my weight and my tattoos (that I got after moving out), and attacked my boyfriend. I blocked her numbers. My grandmother was sort of caught in the middle, and while she was on my side, she eventually stopped even mentioning me when she spoke to my mother.

I was always willing to have a relationship with my mother and wanted to meet with her in a public location. My mother wanted to meet in my grandmother’s apartment. I declined because I did not trust her.

Recently my grandmother was in the hospital, and my mother and I were finally in the same room together. Since then she has not contacted me. I believe she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me, unless I leave my boyfriend.

Even my father loves and accepts me. He asked me what he could do to help us have a relationship.

What can I do to make my mother want to have a relationship with me? Motherless

Dear Motherless: If you want to have a relationship with your mother, write to her and say so. Let your father be a go-between.

Yes, you two should meet in a public location. Given your history with your mother, any relationship with her will start out rocky — and it may stay that way. But relationships are built with small steps, and one of you has to take the first one.

Send questions to askamy@ amydickinson.com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.