Man wants to apologize
Dear Amy: I am a successful man in my late 30s. I am very interested in social justice, and particularly concerned about violence against women.
The issue is this: I wasn’t always the man I am today. I had a rather alcohol- and drug-fueled youth, and did some things I am not proud of. One particular boozy night I made some unwanted advances and committed what amounts to sexual assault. I am deeply remorseful and wish to apologize for what I have done.
My concern is that the woman involved may not relish hearing from me.
Do you recommend I reach out or let this remain in the past?
I am trying to be a better man. Working on it in the Midwest
Dear Working on it: You need to carefully examine your intentions and expectations before attempting to make this apology. Do you expect a response? Are you pursuing forgiveness so that you will feel better about yourself? Are you prepared to face the possible legal consequences (including being charged with a crime and/or sued) for admitting guilt for what you’ve done?
On the one hand, your impulse to admit this is commendable. On the other, it implicitly asks something of the woman you’ve admitted to assaulting. Any contact with you might be a triggering event for her (do not attempt to meet or speak to her; any contact should be in writing).
You could really prove you are a changed man by turning yourself in to the police, and letting them contact your victim to see if she wants to press charges.
Dear Amy: My ex-husband and I got married after a quick engagement of six months. I was 23, and we had two beautiful children together, but we were both young, and didn’t know each other or ourselves. That marriage lasted for nine years, and ended four years ago.
After four years of being single and dating online and getting sober from alcohol and falling off the wagon for a few months, I moved into a recovery home for women to get myself straight and sober again. There, I met an amazing man with over 11 years of sobriety who was volunteering as a “handyman” for the house.
I was only there a few months until I moved into a new apartment and landed a wonderful job, got stable and the man and I started dating.
We have been together now for 10 months. We both have children (12, 7, 6 and 5) and we’ve both survived divorce. We both have struggled with addiction and are both active members of AA.
We talk about getting engaged within the next year and married in 2020.
Does that sound too soon to you? Too Soon? in Chi-Town
Dear Too Soon?: I applaud your determination to advance this relationship slowly and carefully. Your continued sobriety must be your priority.
Before marriage, it is vital for you two to discuss and compare your parenting styles and to talk about how you plan to tackle your various challenges. Couples therapy before engagement and marriage will help both of you to face your future and continue to work your steps through sobriety. Understand that your sobriety is a tender thing, and never ever take it for granted.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@amydickinson .com.