Bothered by photos of ex

I’m a divorced mother of one child, and my boyfriend is a divorced father of two. We are in our 40s.

My boyfriend has been divorced for five years, after his wife left him. It was a toxic situation and continues to be so.

His mother continues to keep dozens of photos of his ex all over her house — some with the ex-wife by herself and some with my boyfriend when they were married.

The only time I spent the night at his mom’s house over a holiday, my boyfriend told me that he was embarrassed and sorry for all the pictures. We slept in the spare room under a giant photo of him and his ex, holding hands and running across the finish line of a race.

My boyfriend was quite embarrassed. His mom has no relationship with the ex. I assumed he would speak to his mother, but he hasn’t. The photos are all still there, and he doesn’t invite me to visit her home as often.

He and I have been together for four years, and my relationship with his mom is lovely if not particularly close.

I’m guessing this kind of thing just doesn’t register as a big deal to many, but I find it kind of thoughtless. What’s your perspective?

Dear Confused: A grandparent might display a photo of her child and an exspouse if the grandparents or grandchildren are also in the photo. A giant picture of ex-spouses holding hands and crossing the finish line of a race should be put away.

I have been in situations where photos of exes cause a surprising amount of distress, namely to children recovering from a toxic divorce.

The only issue here is why you haven’t communicated with your guy about this and why he hasn’t communicated with his mother. You should convey to him, “Honey, I know it is not my mom and not my house, but I’m wondering if you’ve spoken to your mother about the photos of your ex she has on display? She may not realize that these pictures make us uncomfortable.”

After that, you should work hard to let this go. It is her home.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months.

I waited several months before I told him about my past, which is horrible.

He is still struggling that I “lied” to him for so long. He is also uncomfortable with some of the details of my past.

What should I do?

Dear Survivor: Unless you were withholding details that would affect your boyfriend’s health, such as an STD, his reaction to you waiting to disclose the truth about your life seems unkind. Of course, there are degrees of “horrible.” Have you committed a crime? Have you harmed others? If so, then your silence about these things would feel like a betrayal to him.

Depending on where you fall on the “horrible” spectrum, you weren’t necessarily lying to your boyfriend by not disclosing details about your past — you were waiting judiciously to tell your story to someone you could trust with this deep and intimate knowledge.

Your boyfriend may not be equipped to love you through this. But no one who loves you and who learns the truth about your life should then punish you for it.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@amydickinson .com.