Spouse is left in the dark
Dear Amy: My husband is 56 and I am 31. During the five years we’ve been together, he has lost countless friends, family and acquaintances.
He’s a union rep, so he knows many people, including retirees, and goes to several funerals a month. The hardest ones are obviously for his close friends or their children whom he watched grow up. Some have been truly tragic.
He has an extremely difficult time expressing his emotions — happy or sad.
I don’t know any of these people, and I have not been invited to their services. They are people my husband knew for decades but doesn’t necessarily hang around with anymore. He’s more comfortable going to these services by himself, and I respect that.
My question is, what more can I say other than, “I’m sorry you lost your friend.”
Is it overstepping to send flowers to the services? What else could I do? Spouse in the Dark
Dear Spouse: It would not be overstepping for you to attend calling hours or a service — or to send flowers (or make a donation to the family’s preferred charity).
Your husband seems to prefer to attend these services alone, but I wonder if you have offered to go with him. Standing by his side could be a powerful way for you to honor both your relationship to him and his relationship to the deceased person. In addition to saying, “I’m sorry you lost your friend,” you should ask your husband to tell you about the deceased person. Sharing an anecdote with you could help him to open up.
It is especially powerful to attend with (and to) your husband when the loss has been tragic (as in the death of a child). You are young. Bearing quiet witness during these rituals will teach you so much about life and will make the more joyful ceremonies (such as weddings and baby showers) all the more meaningful and resonant for you.
You are wise to look for nonverbal ways to comfort your husband. It sounds as if he values acts of service.
Dear Amy: Months ago, I started talking to a guy I really liked. I learned that another girl had started to text him.
We all work together, so I stopped speaking to him outside of work and pretty soon they started dating. They dated for a few months and then he broke up with her.
This girl and I became friends after they started a relationship.
A couple of weeks ago, we started Snapchatting. I realized that I like this guy again, but I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want this girl to hate me, and I don’t want to make the work environment awkward. But I want to see where a relationship could go. I know that he is a caring guy. I have never related to someone the way I can with him. What should I do? Unsure
Dear Unsure: This guy may be a major workplace player. Know this and anticipate the professional fallout before diving into a relationship with him. And then act accordingly.
If the relationship progresses, girl-code dictates that you should politely give this guy’s ex, who is also your friend, a heads up.
You could say, “I know it’s awkward, but Brad and I have been talking, and I hope you’re OK if we start seeing each other.”