Choosing a healthful path

Dear Amy: I cheated with someone who was also cheating on his partner. I left my partner; he stayed with his. Six months ago, I ended the affair.

I am in therapy, which has helped me. I’m trying to learn how to love myself again. I do not contact this person anymore. I avoid seeing him. But sometimes, I’m overwhelmed by thoughts of him, especially if we run into each other (we work at the same place).

When this happens, I instantly feel uncomfortable and want to flee. The hurt feelings can be paralyzing. It can take days to recover.

I believe I’m doing the right thing by keeping my distance, but how much longer do I have to cope with these “after” feelings, or is this just part of the healing process?

The only person I can talk to is my therapist. No one else knows. I have no trusted friends. I want to get my selfworth and self-respect back.

Can you give me some insight? Searching

Dear Searching: You are doing everything you should be doing, and as far as I can tell, six months out, your recovery from this failed fouryear relationship is fairly on track. But where are your friends? Perhaps engaging in this long-term illicit relationship walled you off from healthier, intimate friendships. This is an area where you should be brave and expansive. Every positive encounter with a friend (or potential friend) will boost your immunity to bad romances.

Dear Amy: My husband and I always host my in-laws for the holidays. Every year, my mother-in-law comes in and immediately starts cleaning: vacuuming, dusting, mopping, etc. She has very high standards and insists she can only be in a spotless home.

Amy, we keep a clean house. This year my husband and I both took the day off before their visit so we could clean all day.

I was proud of how our home looked when we were finished. However, after we finished our big holiday dinner and had done the dishes and put everything away, she went back into the kitchen and cleaned for another two hours while everyone else spent the evening together.

I feel embarrassed that I can never live up to her standards.

It seems like this will continue for years. After she is finished, she will pull me into whatever room she has cleaned to show me how much better it looks.

How can I get over my hurt and just let my motherin-law do what she wants? Clean Enough

Dear Clean: Maybe you should stop trying so hard. If your MIL is going to clean anyway, go ahead and give her something to clean. You could also avoid this by going to her home for the holidays.

But to me, her cleaning seems less like a choice and more like a compulsion. Avoiding family time in order to obsessively clean an already clean space could be a sign that all is not well with her. She is obviously hypercontrolling. But if you approach this as if she is selfmedicating her own anxieties, it might help you to feel less inadequate.

When she parades you into the spotless space, don’t feed her compulsion. Say, “I understand that you enjoy doing this. But I hope you are ready to join us now?”

And then send her to my house.