Haunted by abuse as child

I am a 55-yearold man. My parents divorced before I can remember, and I lived with my narcissistic, alcoholic mother. When I was a child and a teen, I was sexually abused by her “companion.” I didn’t tell anyone because I knew my mother wouldn’t believe me, and I know that she would have chosen him over me.

It has taken me years to rebuild broken relationships with siblings and cousins — and these are relationships I cherish. But I have never been honest with them about the root cause of my troubles. I have built a good life and that is a victory, but I also wonder what I could have done with my life if I hadn’t been forced to carry around the pain and anguish of sexual assault.

My mom died several years ago, but her “companion” is still an accepted member of the family.

I went home last year for a funeral on my dad’s side, and the guy who abused me showed up.

I’ve avoided my hometown for decades because of this man, but this robs me of time with my siblings and my cousins — yet another thing he has taken from me.

I have no interest in any kind of disclosure. They might choose him over me. I just want my home and my family back. Heartbroken in the Heartland

Dear Heartbroken: I don’t know if I can realistically guide you toward getting your home and your family back, because the man who abused you (and the mother who didn’t protect you) robbed you of these two things.

An estimated one in six men report having been sexually abused. I admire the work of MaleSurvivor (malesurvivor.org ), which helps connect abuse survivors with support, counseling services — and each other.

Understand that the person who abused you might have abused others. Specialized counseling would help to clarify your options regarding disclosure.

I believe your efforts to reclaim your connection to your home are laudable — and healthy.

Dear Amy: I have two daughters. When the time comes for my daughters to divide up my possessions after my death, what is the fairest way for them to do this?

I am suggesting drawing straws rather than the oldest going first.

I was the oldest of two kids and chose first, but I’m not sure that’s the best way. Befuddled

Dear Befuddled: Here’s how my sisters and I divided our mother’s possessions: First, we each chose something of “equal value.” We defined “value” in our own way. For instance, the sentimental attachment to a painting might make it as “valuable” as an automobile.

We put these equal-value items into a group, where we mutually decided that each of the things in the group held roughly equal value for each of us (your daughters would only have two items or collections of things in a group).

We each designated one of our kids to draw a number out of our grandfather’s old top hat. Whoever got the number one got first choice of the items in the group and on down the line. We did round after round, traded back and forth if we wanted to, and generally had a great time. This is basically “gamifying” the concept of drawing straws.

Send questions for Amy Dickinson to askamy @amydickinson.com.