Los Angeles Times
Parenting and partnership
Dear Amy: My husband and I met five years ago. We traveled extensively, mostly out of necessity. I worked as a consultant, traveling for work.
Vacations were great because my work travel gave me point status at hotels as well as big client bonuses.
I now work from home and take care of our 1-yearold.
My husband and I were planning a vacation, but when I told him that I didn’t have status points or cash to pay for “my third” of the costs, he didn’t want to go. (Previously, I always paid one-third of the costs, proportional to our incomes.)
I am deeply hurt by this. He can afford it. He just does not think it is fair that he has to pay for the entire trip. I am making a huge sacrifice by staying home. I’m sacrificing my career (and my sanity).
I feel like I am not a partner but a roommate. We split our other bills evenly.
So now I wonder what happens if I get sick or lose my job. Am I overreacting? Worn Out
Dear Worn Out: I’m betting that, pre-baby, you two probably devoted more time to talking about strollers than you did about your financial future.
It evidently has never occurred to your (apparently) high-functioning husband that your income and glorious travel perks would change — even as he watched you leave your job to have his baby.
A person who clings to the concept of “fairness” has not absorbed what it really means to be a parent or a partner. Nurturing a human life requires adults to dig deep, recalibrate and surrender to the concept that life is not fair. Ideally, life should feel balanced, but no — it is not fair.
Did you expect your husband to carry half of your pregnancy? No. You did that. Is he breastfeeding, dealing with teething, singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” on a loop? No, he is at work, holding up what you assumed to be his part of the parenting and partnership bargain.
You also seem to have entered this phase of your life with some unfounded assumptions — that you would continue to enjoy corporatestyle vacations, funded by your high-earning husband, for instance.
You two need to have a lengthy and detailed heartto-heart conversation regarding your roles and expectations. A relationship counselor could help.
Dear Amy: I’m a young teenager. I recently discovered that I’m bisexual, but I have homophobic parents who I know won’t accept me when I come out.
I can’t hide it from them forever, but I can’t come out either.
My grandparents won’t understand (in fact, they have said they believe that gays should die).
I have no idea what to do. It hurts me and causes anxiety when I think about coming out. Any suggestions? Hurting
Dear Hurting: Don’t do anything right now. Your home doesn’t seem like a safe environment for you to discuss your sexuality.
The It Gets Better Project (itgetsbetter.org) was founded to help kids connect with one another. You need to know that you are not alone and that, yes, it definitely gets better. The site has many resources for you. You can also text LGBTQ to my friends at Crisis Text Line (741741) 24/7 to conduct a conversation with a counselor.
Send questions for Amy Dickinson to askamy@ amydickinson.com.