Her frenemy has a temper

I think I just learned the meaning of the word “frenemy.”

“Shawna’s” personality is aggressive and competitive, with a lightning-quick response to most things I say. She can also be kind and caring.

We live in a major metro area, share a musical hobby and play the same instrument, which involves our driving together to various functions. Our paths would cross frequently even if we did not carpool.

My dilemma is this: Any conversation becomes a competition, in which there is a winner and a loser, and the winner is going to be her.

What should I do? Roll over every time? Keep competing? It’s exhausting.

We had it out once over a sarcastic, minor comment I made (after she had behaved badly), and as I was walking away, she followed me and screamed at me (in my home).

I sent her an email afterward explaining my side of things, but nothing changed. Musical Frenemy

Dear Frenemy: I understand that when it comes to “fight or flight,” you would rather fight — and win — than flee. But I urge you to consider successful avoidance a victory.

I suggest a simple statement from you, “Life is short. I don’t like to be screamed at. So I’m going to take separate transportation to our gigs from now on.” There is no need for you to email her — ever — to smooth things over. Avoid any interaction with her.

You two might make beautiful music together. You would be wise to confine your contact to that.

Dear Amy: I have been working full time as a contract employee in academia. The money was great. I invested a lot of time and energy into the job.

I interviewed for the permanent position, but I just found out I didn’t get it.

I am depressed because it means I will go back to being an adjunct.

I will not have health insurance, flex spending, a nice paycheck, or a regular schedule.

I am doing my best to carry on, but basically, I feel like a complete failure.

When I talked to my husband on the phone today, he sounded unhappy. He said he’s sad I didn’t get the job.

I told him that right now he doesn’t get to be sad. It is my turn to be sad.

He says his feelings are his feelings. He said he feels more pressure now to make sure he doesn’t get fired from his job. Am I wrong to expect him to buck up and be supportive for me?

Why is he making this about him? Upset Academic

Dear Upset: I agree with you that your husband’s response wasn’t helpful. He may believe that his expression of sadness over your disappointment was framed as empathy or commiseration, when, in fact, his reaction made you feel more let down.

I agree with him, however, that you don’t get to manage one another’s feelings.

You might have gotten your point across to your husband if you had also framed things differently, but, of course, this would have been tough to do in the moment. His sadness came across as yet more pressure.

I hope you two can get to a point where you can tackle this professional setback more as a team.

When families have setbacks, a positive message is: “We’ve got this. No matter what we’ve got each other’s backs.”

Send questions to askamy@ amydickinson.com.