Nasty gran asks for money

Dear Amy: My 90-year-old grandmother is a truly awful human being. She has alienated her entire family, including her five kids and multiple grandchildren. She’s lost countless friends and ruined relationships with those around her.

My mother refers to her as a sociopath, and my uncles and aunts say they cannot wait for the day that she eventually passes.

My grandmother has run out of money in recent years. Her children were all contributing to a monthly account for her, but after discovering that she was spending most of this money on home shopping purchases and casino trips, they all stopped.

About a week ago, my sister and I both received a letter in the mail from my grandmother pleading for money and explaining how dire her financial situation was. She sent this letter to all of her grandchildren, all of who feel the same way about her.

I really want to respond and tell her what I think of her. The other part of me wants to show compassion toward someone near the end of their life. I certainly will not be giving her any money, but I feel that I should respond regardless. I just don’t know how. Unsure Grandchild

Dear Unsure: Before you respond, ask yourself: “What good would it do?” If it would somehow benefit her, you, and others to lay out with complete honesty how reprehensible her behavior has been over the years, then do that.

Otherwise, you could try a simple, more compassionate but also truthful response: “Dear Gran, I received your letter. I’m genuinely sorry you are in this position. Unfortunately, I cannot be part of your solution. I hope you find peace during this part of your life. Every person deserves that, and I want that for you, too.”

Dear Amy: Today I attended my son’s “continuation ceremony,” i.e., graduation from elementary school.

As part of the ceremony, six or eight parents were recognized for having done a lot of volunteering at the school over the years and were given small bouquets of f lowers, delivered by their kids.

I was one recipient and was really touched.

Here’s the problem: A few other people should have been recognized too — one person in particular. In fact, I was shocked that she was overlooked (I don’t know who came up with the list). Her contributions easily topped mine and some of the other people’s.

After the ceremony, I caught her eye and smiled at her, while clutching my flowers. She gave me a kind of rueful smile back.

I considered saying, “These should have been yours,” and “I don’t know why they didn’t give you flowers,” and various other remarks, all of which seemed horrible.

So I didn’t say anything. What could I have said? A Volunteer

Dear Volunteer: The rueful look you received was an invitation for you to acknowledge this other person’s efforts. And yes, you could/should have said, “You are obviously more deserving than I, and I’m embarrassed that your own efforts were not acknowledged. I don’t know what they were thinking, but I want to thank you very much for all you’ve done for this school and all the children who have graduated today.”