Depressed by her divorce

Dear Amy: About a year ago, my husband of nine years announced that he wanted to divorce me because “he could not be affirming and affectionate” (compliment me or have sex with me), because he did not admire or respect me (I embarrassed him).

We have been divorced for about six months.

I still cry every day. My heart is crushed, and I no longer feel the beauty of the world. I’m anxious because I can’t tell if he was right, and I am too onerous to tolerate, or if he was neurotic and unforgiving. Presumably both are true to different extents. It’s hard for me to imagine being OK again.

So, Amy, where do I go from here? I’m in my early 30s, and I worry that the life ahead of me is long and sad. I’m trying to be useful, but I don’t really know what I’m doing here, on my own, without purpose.

How do I become happy again? I’m in therapy, so I don’t know if that, on its own, is the answer. Lost Woman in the West

Dear Lost: My first suggestion is that you give yourself permission to displace some of your sadness with righteous anger at his most unkind parting shot.

Weirdly, after being dumped, many people go through a period of feeling defensive toward the person who left. When you do this, you are basically giving that person the right to define you, based on the worst characterization of you on your worst day, during the worst period of your life.

Many people also seem to synthesize their anger through sadness, and that tendency probably goes back to your upbringing and your relationship with your parents and siblings. Explore this with your therapist.

Don’t let this man lay claim to your narrative, because then he owns something that should belong to you; your sense of self.

You will not be on your own forever, but this period can ultimately be one of great growth and change for you. I hope you will use it to dig deep, dive into therapy, and ask yourself the big questions: Who am I? What do I want?

Make a list of affirmations — positive things about yourself that you know to be true. That list will grow as you start to recover. And if you are determined not to let this defeat you, you will eventually feel — and be — better.

Dear Amy: I am dating a 44-year-old man who has an 18-year-old daughter. She routinely sleeps with him in his bed, even though she has her own room.

I have asked him to stop this, but he maintains that there is nothing wrong and it is “natural.”

Moreover, she is the constant topic of our conversations.

I really don’t like the idea of her sleeping in his bed. Sometimes she is asleep in his bed when he gets home from work, and when that happens, he’ll just get into bed with her. It feels icky. Am I wrong? Perplexed

Dear Perplexed: It feels icky because it IS icky. Even without the blatant sexual overtones of this co-sleeping arrangement, it is quite obvious that — for this guy, his daughter is the primary woman in his life.

I hope his daughter is OK. In my view, this abnormally close relationship is setting her up for problems in her own life.