Warn future son-in-law?

Dear Amy: Do I have an obligation to warn my future son-in-law about my daughter’s mental illness?

Let me explain: I have been married to her mother for over 20 years. My wife could be the poster child for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She has all of the classic symptoms (verbal abuse, constant blaming, hypercritical, shaming, public ridiculing, and physical battering.)

To say that the past 20 years has been a living nightmare would be a huge understatement!

Our only daughter, who is due to marry a decent guy, is a perfect clone of my wife.

She demonstrates ALL of the abusive behaviors, exactly like my spouse.

Most people don’t realize that this behavior is a form of mental illness and the person/behavior will never change.

Do I owe him a more complete explanation? Worried Future Father-in-law

Dear Worried: First, let’s do you. Your married life has been a nightmare. You have been verbally and physically abused. I urge you to find a way to exit this relationship safely. You should not be a martyr to your wife’s disorder. I suggest you seek professional therapy on your own behalf and make a decision about what to do with your own life.

In terms of warning your daughter’s future husband, you could frame it like this: “Caroline’s mother and I have an extremely challenging marriage. I am seeking professional help to come to terms with her behavior and how it has affected me. Unfortunately, I see some of the same behavior with Caroline. I want the best for both of you, and all I can say is that I wish someone had talked to me about this before I took the big step of marriage. Of course, I support you as my future son-inlaw, and I’m here for you if ever you need me.”

He will most likely reject this. When this conversation gets back to your daughter and wife, you will be belittled and blamed. Only undertake this task if you feel prepared and can do so safely.

Dear Amy: My wife and I, who have been married 40 years and live in Minnesota are now happy empty-nesters.

I love to walk around the house naked when the weather is hot (our nearest neighbors are a quarter-mile away, and no one can see in our windows).

My wife balks at seeing me nude, even though in years past we used to shower together.

I love the feeling of the air all over my body. Should I stand my ground anyway, or be content to roam around the upper floors of the house naked? Nature Boy

Dear Nature Boy: As a fellow northerner, I understand your motivation to roam in “the altogether” during the summer season.

However, would it kill you to wear a pair of loose boxer shorts?

I can imagine your wife’s aversion to seeing you nude downstairs in the kitchen (for instance) during breakfast. And Naked Guy reading the newspaper on the couch is very different from enjoying Naked Guy in the shower.

Consider installing an outdoor shower. Whether your wife wants to join you, nothing feels more wonderful than bathing outside, especially under the stars on a warm and lovely Minnesota night.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.