Unloved side of the family

My mother-inlaw’s older son, “Adam” was a “wanted” child. A few years later, my husband, “Bill,” came along.

In the more than 20 years my husband and I have been together, she has told Bill that he only exists because his father was too chicken to get a vasectomy.

The sun rises and sets on Adam, in spite of failure after failure. Mom is constantly bailing him out. Adam’s kids fail, and she bails them out.

She cannot pass 90 seconds with our family without telling us what Adam has been up to and what she has given him and his latest spouse and kids. She cites dollar figures.

Adam can’t pay his bills or stay married (he’s had several wives), but he sure walks on water in her eyes.

She has pretty much ignored us for nearly 22 years. When she gets bored, she expects us to fill the gap. When we give in, she regales our children with how much she has done for their cousins.

She barely remembers our kids at their birthdays and does nothing for them at Christmas. Not even a card.

Bill lets this roll off his back. He’s an amazing person, he’s worked hard, put himself through school, and is a great husband and awesome father. I know she won’t change. I want to learn how not to care. If not for Bill’s sake, for our kids’, because they are amazing human beings, but unlike their dad, they feel the imbalance and are hurt.

Frustrated Wife

Dear Frustrated: You seem to have mastered the first step in not caring, which is acceptance. Yes, she won’t change.

You also seem to acknowledge that her toxic enabling has damaged “Adam” and his family members.

Now understand that you and your wonderful family have won the family sweepstakes. Imagine how different things would be if your mother-in-law turned her bad parenting and enabling in your direction!

Your husband tolerates this because she is his mother. His tolerance is a testament to his character.

You could try to behave differently when she is with you. You don’t seem to have expressed how you feel.

“Marge, it has always been clear that you prefer Adam. But I find it hurtful, and I really don’t want to hear about it. Let’s find something else to discuss.”

To your children, you need only say, “Your grandmother doesn’t seem to know how to love everyone equally. Her gift to you is a lesson in how not to behave.”

Dear Amy: I am one of four siblings, all in our 40s. One of my siblings and I have devoted ourselves to help counter the negative impacts of pet breeders and irresponsible pet owners, by fostering and spay/neuter volunteerism.

Recently, our sister announced that she will be buying a dog from a breeder!

Amy, I can’t tell you how upset we are about this. The sister making this awful decision cannot be redirected.

How would you best recommend we handle this literal slap in the face?

Sibling of the Unconscionable

Dear Sibling: She is not slapping you in the face; she is making a choice, which you disagree with.

You could respond by trying to create a “dog-neutral” balance to this behavior, by donating to a shelter the amount of money she paid for the dog, or by fostering a dog specifically in her honor.