Wife is quiet about cancer

Dear Amy: My wife is quite something, if I do say so.

Unfortunately, she has cancer, and is undergoing chemotherapy. She has a professional practice with a large number of clients, and does not want it to get out that she is sick. She has told only a select number of close friends, her business partner and her family.

She doesn’t want that becoming the sole focus of her relationships. She’s also concerned that clients, afraid that she might not survive, will leave.

I’m doing everything I can to support her and to reduce her stress. It would be easier if I could tell my own boss what’s going on, but I’m honoring her wishes.

Although she gets tired, she’s hanging in there, with the help of her business partner.

I believe that people will support her.

Is it better for her to let people know, or to keep it a secret — hoping for a good outcome? Her odds for survival are not great.

She has all my love, support and respect for her personal choices, but how can I do better? Loving Husband Dear Husband: I can’t say what is best for your wife, and you can’t, either. Her illness, treatment and disclosure decisions must be up to her.

I can think of ways she could handle disclosure which might minimize the negative impact on her. After careful consultation, she and her business partner might choose to send a carefully worded email to her clients, disclosing that she is in treatment. They could add, “Due to privacy concerns, she will not communicate further about her illness, but appreciates the good thoughts of our business partners and clients. She will continue to serve clients throughout her treatment.”

But again, this should be up to her.

Regardless of what your wife decides to do regarding disclosure, she should receive informed, compassionate, emotional support through an in-person or online cancer support group or (additionally) individual therapy. The American Cancer Society offers many resources (including a live “chat” function) on its website: cancer.org. You should also look into caregiver resources.

Learning new ways to cope with her illness and the pressures related to it will have a positive impact on

her emotional health.

You must love her through this, and you sound ready and able to do so.

Dear Amy: Can you put the word out that listening to your electronic devices at a restaurant is the same as using them in a cinema?

It’s terrible to have to hear this, especially when it competes with the music in the restaurant.

I haven’t yet asked anyone to shut it off, nor have I asked restaurant staff to ask them to shut it off. Upset Patron

Dear Patron: I disagree that listening/watching on devices in restaurants is the same as using them in a cinema. In a theater, patrons are there to watch/listen to one medium, en masse. At a restaurant, patrons engage in discreet activities around their separate tables.

I agree, however, that if the volume of media at a neighbor’s table rises above conversation level, or is particularly annoying, you are well within your rights to ask, “Would you mind turning the volume down — or maybe wear headphones?”