Daughter-in-law is distant

Dear Amy: I am a firsttime mother-in-law.

We are a close family. We have always kept in touch on a regular basis, even after the kids left home.

My son and new daughter-in-law live about 90 minutes away.

My daughter-in-law seems content to keep contact to a minimum. This includes discussing/celebrating important events — both happy and sad.

For example, I am going through a difficult separation from my husband. I have told my daughter-inlaw it would mean a lot to hear from her, to know that she is concerned about me.

When I expressed my feelings to her, she said I was telling her “how” to love me. I told her that a loving family should be able to express their needs to each other.

I was not allowed a mother/son dance at their wedding because she lost her father and I was told it would be too difficult for her to watch us dance.

I did dance with my son at the end of the evening, and she mumbled to me that she didn’t mean to be “an ass” about the dance.

They are now expecting their first child, and my son called to tell me the baby will be born with a heart defect and will need surgery.

He asked me to wait a day before calling. I called and left a message. She didn’t return the call or text me.

She knows I hold them close to my heart. She and her mother rarely speak, and she has said this is fine with both of them, but I am not that kind of mom! How can I bring her closer to me? Heartbroken Mom

Dear Heartbroken: First, you need to figure out how to be less heartbroken and more patient and understanding toward a young woman who might not know how to be intimate in the way that you are intimate.

It is inappropriate for you to share details of your separation with this new family member, and to ask for (or expect) her emotional support. This puts a lot of pressure on her.

You should not tell her how to love you. Show her how a patient, compassionate, loving and good-humored mother behaves.

You should not expect a call back from an anxious, pregnant daughter-in-law with a frightening diagnosis who has already admitted that she doesn’t always know how to behave.

Approach her with the goal to build a friendship.

Don’t pressure her to be a daughter to you. She’s not ready! Your DIL needs to be able to trust that you won’t overreact or transfigure her dramas into yours. This requires that you both learn to behave differently.

Dear Amy: Is there an acceptable way to ask people on the plane or in a waiting room if they are contagious?

I’m not sure what I’d do if they said “yes,” but perhaps they would make more of an effort to cover their coughs — or use cough drops! Rather Not Get Sick

Dear Rather Not: As of this writing, the coronavirus, which originated in China, is spreading.

Children are taught to cough and sneeze into their elbows. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (cdc.gov) recommends that or coughing into a tissue and throwing the tissue away.

If you are in a physician’s waiting room, you should assume that someone coughing is contagious.

You could politely say, “It seems that you are sick. Would you mind covering your cough?”