Hostess with the grossest
Dear Amy: I belong to a large family that throws a reunion every five years, back in the old country.
A cousin I’ve been close to since childhood lives near the airport. She always offers her home for relatives, but she is perplexed because no one (except me) takes her up on her offers.
All members of her household are terrible housekeepers, and their house seems to be coated with a layer of grime. They don’t seem to see it, and their environmentally friendly way of living prohibits many cleaning chemicals.
They are well-educated, kind and caring people.
I made peace with this mess years ago, and bring my own sponge and quietly clean the guest bathroom.
My cousin is upset when people make excuses to not visit. She is hurt to see on Facebook that family members were a few miles away and never stopped in for tea.
She thinks it’s because of something she must have said or done, but in hearing grumblings from the family, it’s really about the grime.
Should I tell my wonderful cousin about how her living situation is perceived? Caring Cousin
Dear Caring: You should be gently and kindly honest. You can expect her feelings to be hurt, but she is laboring under a worse assumption than the reality.
I suggest that you say to her, “This is hard for me to say, but I believe people don’t want to visit because of the condition of your house. You know how picky and antiseptic Americans are, and I think this is why people don’t come over more often. Your house is very different from what I’m used to, but I don’t care about it as much as other people might. But this is NOT a personal thing. Everybody adores you. I want to assure you how loved you are!” You could then offer to help her, if she asks for help. Otherwise, stay close and stay kind.
This message is both hard to deliver, and hard to hear. I’d love to hear from readers who might have been on the receiving end of this sort of feedback.
Dear Amy: I am currently not in school, so I let my (former) good friend borrow an expensive graphing calculator for a semester. I was very clear that I value the calculator and that I expected it back when the semester was over.
Her semester has long been over, and I asked her to return my calculator. At first, she said she would bring it to me, but she never did. Now, when I call her or text her, she does not reply.
It makes me angry. I don’t want to spend money on another graphing calculator. I don’t know her address — only where she works. What should I do? Recalculating
Dear Recalculating: It seems unlikely that you will see your calculator again. You could try a different tack, by asking your former friend to repay you its approximate value.
You can text her: “I assume that you are not going to return my calculator. A second-hand calculator of this brand seems to be worth [fill in the amount], and so if you would reimburse me for the cost of replacing it, we can all move on.” You can then send her a link to an online “P2P” (person-to-person) money exchange site, and hope that she accepts.
You could also take her to small claims court.
Doing the math, I calculate that your friendship has a 0% chance of surviving this episode, unfortunately.