A sandwich of a situation
I’m a man in my 50s working in a small office.
My workplace problem is extremely insignificant and frankly embarrassing in the scheme of things.
I’m on friendly terms with my co-workers. Occasionally “Donald” goes out at lunchtime and picks up sandwiches for the group. Donald goes around the office and takes the orders. He does this for everyone except me. I’ve never been included (sniffle, sniffle).
What’s worse is that Donald isn’t discreet about it. He’ll yell from across the room, “Hey, Kim, what kind of cheese do you want?”
Then he’ll call the sandwich shop and give long detailed instructions for each sandwich, for everyone to hear: “OK, next is salami on Dutch crunch. Everything on it. No cheese.”
He seems to take great pride in his position as master sandwich organizer and orderer.
I don’t know what’s more upsetting: Not being invited, or the blatant way it’s done in front of me. Is it rudeness, meanness or just insensitivity?
It’s actually so ridiculous it’s almost funny.
Friends and family suggest I invite myself, but that would make things even more awkward and is not my style at all.
It’s fine if he doesn’t consider me a friend. I cannot control something like that (although how hard is it to include another order and collect $10?).
Any insight into why this is happening, and how I can stop resenting it? George Wants Pastrami on Rye!
Dear George: You aren’t whining. In fact, your reaction means that you are handling this frustration with some perspective. You are also being emotionally honest. This hurts!
Where you are failing is in your refusal to say, “Hey, ‘Donald,’ next time you do a sandwich run, can I get in on that?” You could also offer to go on a sandwich run yourself, but that might unleash an absurd escalation.
Donald might have made an assumption about you at some point in the past — that you’re not a “sandwich guy.”
Dear Amy: After 25 years of marriage (which has been fine by all outward appearances), it has dawned on me quite suddenly that my husband may have (mild) Asperger’s syndrome.
So much of what I’ve read online about Asperger’s matches up to our experiences, and it would explain so much that has been odd, hurtful and frustrating for me over these years of marriage.
Should I share this possibility with him, and if so, how, and then — what next? Wondering Wife
Dear Wondering: Asperger’s is not an illness or disease. It is simply a unique way of thinking, seeing and interacting.
Yes, you should share your insight with your husband. Manage your expectations when you do.
You have to imagine that your husband might wonder why his own (normal, to him) behavior has been misinterpreted by you — and others — throughout his lifetime.
Don’t present this as: “Ah-ha! I finally know what’s WRONG with you!” Pose this as a possibility: “I’ve been reading about Asperger’s. Have you ever read about it? Some of this information reminded me of you, and I feel like I understand you a little better.”
Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.